A Special Mother’s Day

I know I already posted a Mother’s Day post but I wanted to do a separate post for my oldest daughter who on July 14 will become a mother for the first time.  She will be having a daughter and I’m sure they will see as she grows that their little girl is just like her mother in some ways and just like her father in others.

Becoming a mother for the first time can be scary, a parent for that matter can be scary.  Not knowing if your doing things right, making the right decisions or the wrong ones.  You can read all the books, listen to the advice of your parents, but the best thing you can do is learn what works best for your child.  Not every technique works for every child.  You have to tweek things.  You have days you are filled with stress and others filled with joy.  You have good days and bad.  In the end though, nothing compares to loving that child or children and seeing them grow and filling your heart with pride as they succeed in life.

I know she will be a wonderful mother and a great parent as will her husband and as a new Pa Paw myself, even though I live several states away, I plan to spoil that child as much as I can.  So good luck in a new chapter in your life and Happy Mother’s Day tweety.

Love Dad.

Happy Mother’s Day 2015

Mothers Day

So today is Mother’s Day.  I want to first say to everyone that this day isn’t just for “your” mother but if you are married and have kids, it’s for your wife too because she is a mother as well, the mother of your children.  I remember last year hearing on the radio women calling in saying their husbands said they weren’t doing anything for them because they weren’t “Their mother” and I think that is total bullshit.  They expect something done for them on “Father’s Day”.  Why is that any different?

So Happy Mother’s Day to my mother.  She truly does love me no matter what and even if at times it can be annoying she still to this day tries to call me at least once a week if not every two weeks depending on my work schedule.  Not many people can say they do that in today’s society.

To my wife, Happy Mother’s Day, she is the mother to my two step-children and step-mother to my three children.  My step-son (her son) just turned 18 and my step-daughter (her daughter) is 12.  She’s had a hard life as a mother and despite her feelings on how she did and is doing, I can say she has been a great mother to her children.  She has done everything she could within her limits and has always provided for them what they need.  They may not always get what they want or what she wants to give them but their needs are always met and that is what is most important.  Those are the life lessons they will take with them as they go through adulthood.  That is what is important.

To all the other mothers out there again Happy Mother’s Day.

My Acceptance Speech

I was thinking the other day what would my acceptance speech sound like if I had to give one? It doesn’t matter for what either really, whether for an Academy Award, an American Music Award, a Best Newcomers Performance In A Porno Award (all of which are timed but I would say fuck you to them and take as long as I wanted), Greatest Father Award, being elected President, or whatever. So I figured I would sit down and type of a pseudo acceptance speech not really for anything specific.


Ladies, Gentlemen, and all the Little People I had to step on to get here, I thank you. I thank you for being that stepping stone for me, despite being broken, beat & scarred you didn’t try to escape but rather stayed hard and fast, your backs strong for me to walk on, even when things seemed to fade to black you were there for me, never having a holier than thou attitude as I rose to be where I am today.

I want to thank my cousin, who I won’t name, who taught me as teenager how to ride the lightning, man those were good times. I am thankful for my time in the military despite my PTSD and having times where it feels like I disappear into the horrors of my mind, I had a fulfilling career, saw a lot of places and countries that I would never have had I not gone in the Air Force. Even going to war, I am thankful for my time, I just wore my St. Anger around my neck at all times and it got me through and still does to this day.

I want to thank my mother for always being there for me, supporting me no matter what. She always had advice even when I didn’t want it. I remember one time mama said “Are you sure about getting married now?” Then 15 years later I was divorced, If I had only listened to her then. It’s sad but true.

I want to thank my father for inspiring me to be strong, be my own person, and follow my dreams. He inspired me to go in the Air Force, to work hard every day, and to never back down from doing what I have to do to achieve my dreams. Carpe Diem baby!

I want to thank my children, despite the rough times we have had or continue to have, they still loved me. They have been the reason I try to be a better person. An inspiration for them, someone to look up too, a hero because if you can be a hero in your child’s eyes then nothing else matters.

Finally and most importantly I want to thank my wife, I know sometimes I can seem like some kind of monster always sitting around with whiskey in a jar in my hand but she stands by me through everything, she puts her trust in me when she has no trust to give. Things have been tough for all of us but when needed she has been willing to jump in the fire with me and see things through no matter how frantic things may be. She is the hero of the day every day in my life. She gives me fuel to keep going and when life tries to beat us down, to stand up and fight fire with fire. They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder but I know she is not only beautiful to me but to everyone who meets and knows her and I thank the Gods of the old and the new that she loves me every day helping me heal my blackened heart.

Thank you, good night, …and justice for all

Feel The Music

Music 2

Everybody loves music, we dance to it, sing to it, we associate memories to songs, and we all have our favorite songs and genres.  We listen to certain ones depending on our mood, we use it in religion, and overall its one of the few things that everyone has in common.  Now I have posted a blog before about music, several in fact and I thought I would do another one.  Music has been on my mind lately and it’s quite frankly in my soul.

Personally I listen to just about everything.  I have an extensive CD library and continues to grow.  I’m sure you don’t want to read it all but I’m going to make a list anyway because I’m that OCD but first I’ll say I don’t like Opera and Classical Music.  I just never really got into them.  I do like some jazz but not a lot and I do like some blues but not a lot.  Now before I go further with this post I’ll annoy you with a list of genres I do like.

Feel The Music

Acid Rock, Adult Contemporary, Alternative Country, Alternative Dance, Alternative Hip Hop, Alternative Metal, Alternative Rock, Art Rock, Blues Rock, Christmas Music, Classic Country, Classic Rock, Comedy Music, Comedy Rap, Comedy Rock, Country, Country Rock, Dance Pop, Dance Rock, Death Metal, Death Rock, Digital Hardcore, Dirty Rap, Disco, Dubstep, Easy Listening, Electronic Dance, Extreme Metal, Funk, Funk Rock, Gangster Rap, Garage Rock, Girl Group, Glam Metal, Glam Punk, Glam Rock, Gothic Metal, Gothic Rock, Grunge, Grindcore Music, Hardcore Punk, Hard Rock, Heavy Metal, Hip Hop, Horrorcore, Indie Rock, Industrial, Modern Rock, New Wave, R&B, Rap, Pop Music, Pop Rock, Pornocore, Progressive Rock, Psychedelic, Punk Rock, Rock And Roll, Sex Rap, Soft Rock, Southern Rock, Speedcore, and Swing Music.

So as you can see my taste for music is expansive.  I love music.  I will sing to every song that plays. I love to dance too.  I believe singing and dancing is a form of expression of your feelings whether its joy, sadness, erotic, anger, self-pity, happiness, or helplessness.  We sing and dance to how we feel and we listen to certain songs or genres based on those feelings.  It’s a way to express ourselves.  It’s also one of the many ways we end up associating songs to events or people in our lives.  Sometimes painful and sometimes good.  So next time you catch your self or someone catches you singing or dancing in your car while driving, in the living room while cleaning, or in the shower, don’t be embarrassed, just go with it.  It’s a wonderful thing.  In my opinion more people should sing and dance, I think there would be a lot less stress, anger, and violence if we did.


It’s Never Too Early To Plan Your Funeral

Arlington National Cemetery

My wife posted a blog last week about what she wanted when she passed as far as cremation, song’s played, funeral, etc.  It got me to thinking I should do the same thing.  I’ve talked about it numerous times but never really laid it all down in writing.  It’s taken me a long time to redo my will since my divorce but I finally got it done except a few minor details.  Once that is done mine and her wills will be ready to send to the attorneys to be processed.  No matter how young you are I highly encourage you to get a will done, especially if you are married or have children.

After reading her blog I realized we wanted a lot of the same things with a few variations of course, even one of the songs she has that she wants played I want played too.  Now despite having a huge family on both my mother and father’s side of the family I doubt there will be a lot of people there to see me after I am gone.  About 98% of them all have pretty much written me off.  I don’t fit into their mold, despite being a 20 year Air Force veteran and working for the government as a civilian, apparently, I cuss too much, I talk about sex too much, I joke about sex too much, I post pictures with my wife’s approval of half naked women too much (or used too, that’s a different story, nothing to do with my wife disapproving or anything), I don’t go to church, and the list goes on. Hell about 3 years ago one of my sisters blocked me on facebook, quit taking my calls, and won’t see me when I visit Florida and to this day I have no idea why.  If she doesn’t want anything to do with me while I’m alive, I doubt very seriously she will want to see me when I’m dead so I doubt she will be there either.

First, I want the gathering posted on my facebook page so it gets to everyone who may want to be there.

Second, I want it to be a party, and I mean a real party.  One with food, beer and liquor, people getting loaded, having sex on the couch (if they choose), total debauchery, and I don’t want it to stop till the last person leaves.  Start it a 7pm Friday and leave it open to last till Sunday.  People can crash on the couch, floor, spare room, wherever, I don’t care.  Keep the party going.  BYO Alcohol to keep the party lasting if you want.  Also, I don’t want to be laying in no coffin either.  Sit me in a comfortable chair beside my coffin looking out at the room, dressed in nice suit that fits me perfect, put a glass of crown and coke in my hand, and leave the coffin open for people to put what they want in it to be buried with me, as they come up to talk and take their last picture with me.

Third,  I want it to start with people coming up to talk and getting that out of the way first.  If anyone wants to say anything they can but I don’t want anything that will make people cry, I want it to be happy or funny memories or memories they know I would have thought were happy or funny even if they don’t think they were themselves no matter how crazy the memory was.

Fourth, there are a few songs I want played when people are done talking as the party starts. After they are done, then go through and play from my CDs.  No country.  Yes I like country, yes I own country, yes I even have a country song on my list but no country.  My wife knows what I listen to the most.  Below is the list and the order I want them played in.

1.  Metallica – Fade To Black

2.  Metallica – I Disappear

3.  Motley Crue – Home Sweet Home

4.  George Jones – He Stopped Loving Her Today (I feel like I should explain this one.  I know this is about a man who’s wife left him and he loved her until he died and when he died he stopped loving her.  The reason I picked this one is not the wife leaving part but 1) I love this song 2) I love my wife and I will never stop loving her as long as I am alive.  The day I die will be the day I essentially stop loving her)

Fifth, I want to be buried in Arlington National Cemetery.  As an Air Force Veteran I am afforded the opportunity to do so.  I know most likely none of my family will ever be able to visit me but I don’t want them to remember me like that anyway and I will be buried by my brothers and sisters in arms.  To finally be at peace with the men and women that plague my nightmares while I am alive, memories of things I have told no one and won’t tell anyone, of those things I have seen while in the military, be it peace time or war.  My wife knows only a little, my parents, children, siblings, and other family members know absolutely nothing of and I have no intention of ever telling them either (at least not at this time anyway).  As far as they know life was uneventful for those 20 years and I will let them continue to think that.

Sixth, as stated earlier I have a will and my will states who gets what.  I tried to be as fair and reasonable as possible, giving to those what I thought they would want the most.

That is it, that is what I want, there is nothing in this that is a joke so don’t take it that way.  I want it done as I ask to the best possible means as can be done.

Am I Alive?

Am I Alive?

By Robert M. Nelson II

This world is so dark

It makes me feel so dead

There’s a battle raging deep inside

With the voices in my head

I’m looking for salvation

Something that is real

I cut my wrists wide open

Just so I can feel


You heal my body with your touch

You touch me deep inside

Sometimes it feels like it can be too much

You make me feel alive

How can this life be so unfair?

The demons whispering in my ear

I’m stuck in this pitt of despair

There is no relief is all I hear

My wounds are festering and feel on fire

Puss oozing, maggots crawl from my skin

My eyes gone blind, my body tired

There is no washing away my sins


You heal my body with your touch

You touch me deep inside

Sometimes it feels like it can be too much

You make me feel alive

Just Another Brick In The Wall

The Wall

You ever feel like sometimes when talking to someone you’re just yelling at a brick wall?  Like nothing you say is getting through or matters?  You feel like they hear you but in their head they are thinking “That may be true or was true when you were a kid but it’s different today or I don’t care I’m going to do it my way anyway despite you telling me it won’t work because I think I’m smarter than you and your 43 years experience?”

Well, how about the constant use of technology?  Let me say I think technology is great, I worked on computers for the majority of my AF career.  I have 2 more classes left and I will have my Bachelor’s in IT, Business Systems Analysis.  I use computers at work.  I’m all for it.  With that said, I’m not on the computer very much at home.  I do a lot of my stuff on my phone and I try not to have it glued to my face.  I watch TV a lot yes but I also take time to turn the TV OFF and put on music and just listen to it for several hours.  I can just lay on the couch and let the music play and be happy or do chores or play a game with the wife it doesn’t matter.

Meat Grinder Kids

It seems like our generation of children however are being hooked on technology and don’t understand life doesn’t revolve around social media, instagram, texting, X-Box, TV, or taking 500 selfies a day.  There is a whole other world out there.  We tell our kids all the time they have it a lot easier than we did.  When we were kids, we didn’t have computers and google to do research for papers.  We actually had to go to the library, use the Dewey Decimal System to find the books we need, then go find them on the shelves, then read the books to find the information we needed to use as references for our papers.  The information wasn’t just a click away.  We had to actually know how to spell words (surprise) we couldn’t afford to be lazy and say “Spell check will figure it out” which is a lame excuse for not knowing how to spell words like “exorbitant”, “School, “Pastry” or even “Plethora”.

We try to express to them that while technology is great and it’s fun to play on these new computers, and new x-box games, and talk with our friends through text or post pictures on instagram you have to step away from them from time to time.  You can’t spend all your time on them.  That’s no life, your letting your childhood slip away.  There are so many things your not experiencing because your focused on technology instead.  Unfortunately like most parents we get that vacant stare and they continue on like we never said a word.

Rise Of The Machines

In closing I fear technology has won the war and parents have become the civilian casualties.  There’s only so much you can say or do to effect change and if change refuses to come you just have to admit defeat, lick your wounds, and let them find out on their own when they are older and it’s too late to do anything about it, that you were right all along.