What’s This Life For?

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Yes, yes, I know, it’s been a very long time since I have written anything.  There are many reasons for this, life, work, other projects, not in the mood just to name a few but tonight while sitting here at work I felt the need to write.  I really don’t know as I write this what this will shape out to be about but I want to write about something so I’m just going to let the words flow from my brain, through my fingers, to the keyboard onto here.

We have been having a really rough time as of late, my wife had to quit her job and file for disability so she could focus on her health.  This means one less paycheck.  She has had a very rough time this past 4 years and it has had an effect on everyone.  I do my best to help her, motivate her, keep positive, and strong for her but sometimes I don’t think I’m doing enough.  She has started painting in her off time and is now selling those paintings on etsy.com if anyone would like to take a look.  https://www.etsy.com/shop/Shanpagnes?ref=l2-shopheader-name

She is very talented and I believe it is very therapeutic for her.  I’m very proud of her and her work.  It provides something for her that I cannot.  We are getting by, slowly paying of debts one by one but that is not enough.  We have been doing this for the past 6 years.  There comes a time when enough is enough and you just need a break, something to go your way and not have something to swing around and knock you back down.  I love my wife very much.  I would do anything for her.  I may not vent my anger all the time or get pessimistic when things go bad, or throw my hands in the air and say fuck it but that doesn’t mean I don’t care about our situation or my wife and how she feels.  It just means I have to be strong, be positive, and be that person who is there to encourage her so she can keep looking forward even if on the inside sometimes I don’t see it myself.

I myself have just wanted to give it all up lately.  I’ve had medical problems myself for years.  Some 6 years, some longer than that.  They may not be the same issues as my wife but they are no less devastating and tiring to deal with.  There are days you just want to give up.  I try to do things on my own in hopes these problems may be getting better so I can go to her and say I think there is hope instead of asking her for help and finding out the negative and ending up frustrated all over again but it never works.  I am flirting with high cholesterol now and high sugars.  I had another blood test done and they want another appointment with me which isn’t good.  Mostly likely this means something didn’t go down and just another medicine for me to go on.  I have been exercising my ass off too.  I have changed my diet.  I’m eating smaller portions, healthy snacks, drinking more water, this week, I even cut down from drinking alcohol every night to limiting it to only 3 nights a week.  Yet, here I am, not losing weight and the Dr. wants to see me again.

My youngest daughter from my first marriage doesn’t want to visit anymore.  I can never get a hold of her on the phone when I call.  She’s either with friends, working, or church.  I leave messages to call me back and no call.  This I think is probably more painful than anything, even anything I may endure with my PTSD.  My step kids hate me.  They think I am mean and don’t love them when everything I do is out of love.  All I want is for them to learn to show respect not just for me but for anyone they encounter.  Follow rules, do what they are told when they are told not when they get around to it, no matter how small what they were told to do is; and to want more out of life then what someone else can give them but what they can get themselves through hard work and dedication because those are the things they can be most proud of.

Life.  What can I say; life sucks.  I’m ready for it to be over with.  I’m 42 years old and never owned my own home.  I live in an apartment.  I have no savings, even though I have been paying off debts each month for the past several months I still have a lot left to pay.  I have no legacy to leave my children or my wife.  Nothing I have accomplished in life is worth anything.  When I am gone, no one will remember me.  I won’t be talked about in the history books.  I won’t be mentioned on the news.  No song’s will be sang of my heroic deeds.  Shit, most people don’t even know most of what I have done other than vague references by me because it’s to painful or lurid to describe.  I’ll be a fleeting thought with my family before I’m even forgotten by them.  I was born no one and will die no one.

My wife deserves so much better than me.  She could have been better off when she left her husband, if I hadn’t gotten in the way, even if it would have only been for a few years.  She at least would now be living a better life and taken care of.  My children deserve a better father than me.  My step children deserve a better step father.  My parents deserve a better son.  My sisters deserve a better brother, which is evident by the fact one has cut off all contact with me the past 2 years with no reason why and I rarely hear from the others.  If my Grandmother (mom’s mom) was still alive I would have to say I would probably be a huge disappointment to her as well.  If I could say fuck you and good bye to life right now I would.  But I know I can’t.  So I’ll just pick myself up.  I’ll put on my happy face, find my positive attitude, lift myself up, tell myself it will be okay and everything will work out and things will start to get better, and go back to being the optimist I’m known for being.  This is my pessimist moment and I guess I’m done.  Sorry to bring everyone down and hopefully I’ll be back on here more with more uplifting, sexually perverted posts that I have been known for in my past.

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2 thoughts on “What’s This Life For?

  1. Shannygirl

    This is the saddest thing I’ve ever read. You have so much to be proud about.. so much more then I do. You served your country for 20 years.. it’s my fault all this has gone wrong… you’ve done nothing wrong. It’s my family curse… and all I can say is I’m sorry.

    Reply
    1. radaronelson Post author

      I don’t feel like I do. It’s definitely not your fault. You can’t blame my health or failings with the kids or my family on you. That’s all me and I make mistakes it seems like daily.

      Reply

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