As you well know by now I have had many guest celebrity bloggers and this post is no exception. She has a very unique blog that I think everyone will enjoy following. So please welcome Katie from Sass & Balderdash with todays guest post.
Senior Citizen Perks
With Ke$ha’s hit “Die Young” playing every hour on just about any top 40 radio station, I recently set aside some time to think about getting older. The whole idea of “dying young” has always had something alluring and glamorous about it… To that I say, what the hell are people thinking? Getting old is where it’s really at! There are countless benefits associated with aging, because when you get old, every day you manage not to die is an accomplishment. I know I’m looking forward to reveling in all of these perks before I kick the bucket.
A Very Raucous Retirement
Aside from having some cash to live on right now, most of us diligently show up to work everyday so that one glorious day, when our hair is gray and we’re starting to have arthritis, we can stay at home and not do shit. That’s right, I’m talking about sweet retirement. A time where you can cultivate useless hobbies like playing tennis, learning canasta, knitting, or collecting old issues of Reader’s Digest. I’m thinking when I retire, I’ll be one of those old ladies that shows up to the mall really early just to walk around. I might just aimlessly wander around miscellaneous public places bothering innocent strangers with my banal stories. Maybe I’ll move into one of those special retirement communities where I can gossip with other old bitties about how Ashley, in Unit 2C, has a boyfriend who’s in his 40s! No matter what I plan to do with all that extra time, it’s going to be amazing.
The Early Bird Special
The older you get, the earlier you eat—how could anyone not look forward to that? Listen, if it were socially acceptable for a 22-year-old woman to eat around 4 p.m. every day, I’d be all over it. As it is, I have to at least hold off until five o’clock. When you’re old, eating earlier and earlier is just a way of life. Breakfast takes place around 3 a.m., lunch at 10:30, with dinner a little after 3 p.m. …That sounds perfect. With all those meals out of the way, going to bed around 6-7 p.m. is entirely possible! I live for the day when I can show up to the early bird special.
The Corduroy Pants and Crazy Sweaters
The older you get, the more freedom you have to dress as strangely as possible. When I’m elderly, I’m going to get a pair of those trademark old lady corduroy floods with the elastic waistband in every bizarre color on the spectrum. For each and every holiday, even Veteran’s day, I’m going to have some kind of heinous embroidered sweater that I’ll pair with a pair of tacky matching earrings. I’m even going to wear white socks with black shoes, a look only Michael Jackson has pulled off with any success. As an old person, fashion becomes whatever you can get away with, and those old folks can get away with a lot.
One of the most exciting things about aging is the prospect that you’ll get to that age where you have no one to impress anymore. When I get to that point, I’m going to let it all go. I may shave my head and just wear a wig. Other hair removal will become a distant memory. I may stop brushing my teeth, because, what are dentures for? I’ll probably bathe twice a week or so. My untamed old lady eyebrows will put Brooke Shields to shame. And lastly, I think this should go without saying, I’ll have a full mustache, and by that age, perhaps even a beard. It’s my sincere wish that everyone has the opportunity to reach this important milestone in their lives: the point in your life where personal hygiene becomes less of a priority than knitting an afghan.
Okay, so I know I didn’t really grow up in the time period that most of these terms were used, but when I get older I plan on using a ton of dated terms just to make everyone I talk to feel embarrassed for me. I’m going to call every young person a whippersnapper. I’m going to find new ways to use the word “dickens.” Most importantly, I plan on starting 75% of my sentences with the phrase, “You kids and your–” In short, I’m going to irritate the living shit out of everyone that comes into contact with me.
Most stores and restaurants offer the old fogeys a discount for living as long as they have. Once you’re over the age of 65, suddenly you enter into a world money-saving delights! Which means when you’re buying all your crazy sweaters and corduroy pants to wear to the early bird special, you’ll be saving all kinds of money that you can ferret away for all those trips to Florida or Arizona that you’ll obviously be taking.
Living on the Edge
If I make it to live to a ripe old age, I plan on living dangerously. I’m going to get a huge car that’s difficult for me to navigate, and never drive it faster than 30MPH. In the store, I’m going to cut people in line and blame it on my being senile so they’ll feel too guilty to say anything. I’m going to adopt some radical political views and voice them at the most inappropriate times. When you’re old, no one can blame you for anything. (Because you’re so close to death.)
I’ve saved the best for last. The number one thing I can’t wait for as an old lady is being able to have Life Alert. If you’re not familiar, Life Alert is a necklace with a button on it you can wear if you’re a senior and you live alone. If you fall down and can’t get up (as the commercial famously portrays) you just press that button and someone rushes to your aid. …I’m so looking forward to abusing this system. When I’m an old hag, every time I get settled on the couch and realize I forgot something in the kitchen: Life Alert. If I’m comfortable in bed, but I realize I forgot to turn a light off: Life Alert. If I’m bored, and I feel like bothering someone: Life Alert. The possibilities here are endless.
So you see, dying young is really a waste of all the wonderful resources you have to look forward to when you’re older. Sure old age comes with wrinkles, wearing a diaper, or a terminal illness or two, but you’ll get discounts! You can wear whatever you want! You can go to bed at 7 p.m.! Personally, that’s all the motivation I need to reach senior citizen status. I think I’ve figured out why the life expectancy keeps getting older—we all want to live long enough to thoroughly enjoy all those senior citizen perks.