If I Replied To Fan Mail

Pen and Paper

Pen and Paper (Photo credit: stevegarfield)

A few days ago I talked about how being a celebrity can be tough.  How celebrities have to deal with fan mail and gave an example of what I thought my fan mail would probably look like if I ever received any.  Well like most celebrities, there is always those few pieces of fan mail that will stick out and said celebrity will take the time to reply.  Well I figured I would give an example of what my reply might be if I received the fan mail I posted a few days ago.

Mrs Callista,

I am writing not because I appreciated the things you had to say but because I am concerned.  I am concerned for my welfare, the welfare of my family and your welfare as well.  While I appreciate your enthusiasm about my work and I am not one to dissuade anyone from liking what I write or liking me for that matter, I do have to say that some of the things you have stated that you have done, will do, and want to do are very disturbing.  While going through a person’s trash is not necessarily against the law it does show an infatuation that you may be taking a little to far.  To the general public this would be considered just plain creepy.  Now the fact that my words can turn you on so, is wonderful, but that is not necessarily something I feel you need to share.

The fact that you have been in my residence while I am not home is breaking and entering and against the law.  You also stated you removed undergarments from my place of residence as well without my approval which is theft.  Also, the panties you sent me have been discarded in the trash as well.  I am sorry but I can not invite you over to discuss living arrangements.  Again I am happy you like my writing and I mean this will all sincerity, I do feel you need to find some help, so sort of counseling.  Stating if you can’t have me no one will can also be considered a threat on my life so I have acquired a no-contact order against you.  You are not allowed within 1000 feet of me or my living arrangements.  I do hope you will find a therapist and seek help.

Please do not contact me or come near me or my family again.  If my words mean as much to you as you say they do then what I have written here should mean just as much and enough for you too take a hard look at yourself and your actions and to do the right thing by seeking help.

Sincerely,

Robert Nelson

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