The Perfect Contraceptive

You guessed it.  It’s that time for another guest celebrity blogger.  This time we have the freshly pressed, the kitten herself, Jessica from Mitten’s Kittens Blog bringing you what one might consider The Perfect Contraceptive.  So please read and if your not already following her I highly recommend you do, she has an awesome blog.

The Perfect Contraceptive

I like to look at a website called ‘Shit My Kids Ruined‘ and every time my female bits scream ‘make baby’. Sometimes the site makes me laugh, but mostly it gives me generous helpings of adrenaline fueled shock. It’s sort of like watching horror movies: you don’t want to look but you can’t help but do so because it gives you a thrill.

It hurts me, it really hurts me.

It hurts me, it really hurts me.

It took me back to my childhood. Surely I was a well-behaved child who never did anything horrendous? Not quite. Admittedly, I never did anything as bad as ruin an entire couch, destroy a big television or rip a door from its hinges, but I did cut my mother’s favourite potted plant down to a stem (it will be happier this way, mum), cut a hole in my favourite pants (I just wanted to know what would happen, mum), killed my sisters tadpoles (they breathe out of water while baking on hot bricks, mum) I pulled everything out of the bathroom cupboard and then took all of my mum’s lipsticks to ‘test’ the colours. Perhaps worst of all, I put a dint in the bonnet of my dad’s new BMW with a mis-juggled coke bottle.

Mostly, though, I remember being a pretty clean, well-behaved child – which my mum agrees to. I liked to have things lined up neatly and I liked to have things put away after I finished playing with them. These attributes came after toddler-hood, though, and on the website most of the kids seem to commit the sins between the ages of 2 – 5. Which means that there are a few demon years between easier baby time, and school time when they at least leave the house for six hours a day.

Chances of angel baby:  slim

Chances of angel baby: slim

Chances of kid with urges to make mess:  high

Chances of kid with urges to make mess: high

That scares me. Home all day with a toddler? I have to watch it all the time? I have to try to discipline a tiny human whose brain hasn’t actually developed enough yet to comprehend ‘good-behaviour’? You mean, everything that I once held precious and dear will be ruined, and that my child will probably just sit there, covered in pen or poo, and look at me as I sob over my ruined thing? I wasn’t so bad, and maybe that will pass down through the genes (completely possible, right?) but maybe I’ll have a naughty, messy one. My sister was messy, and if the gene thing is possible than it’s probable the child will have that gene instead. In fact, my little brother did the whole draw all over the walls thing….Crap. At least I’ve seen this website now, so I can be prepared for the home-apocalypse because there are a few things that the page has taught me not to do when a future toddler starts to snoop.

1.  Never, ever have a sharpie pen on the premises of your home.

2.  Absolutely do not own any form of paint. Lock makeup and nail polish in a box. Just, don’t have anything that can leave bits of itself on other surfaces.

3.  Put kiddie locks on every cupboard.

4.  Anything precious to you needs to be locked in a trunk with a very heavy lid until said child can understand things like ‘precious to you’ and ‘meaningful’ and ‘touch it and die’.

5.  Stick to the rule ‘no food or drinks in the car’.

6.  Cut your child’s fingernails short.

7.  Do not have chocolate in your home. Kids will always find it, but instead of eating it, they will wipe it all over themselves and the couch. Scoff your chocolate fix in the bathroom immediately after purchase.


8.  Laptops go in laptop bags and placed very, very high up or in a wall safe between uses.

9.  Own no furniture made of glass. Also no furniture that cost lots of money.

10.  Do not let children have a room full of possessions. Too many things equals less respect for them.

11.  Also, kids seem to need a backyard. Otherwise all that energy and need to break things will be concentrated on the indoor part of your home.

Those rules are good, but sigh, they’ll still find paths of destruction regardless what boundaries you put up. Which is why the page is best used as a general contraceptive rather than guidelines for child-raising. So if you’re thinking of having a baby but aren’t sure yet, take a look at the page and ask yourself ‘could I handle this?’ before you decide. Then get a pet, first. I’m getting new mice.



11 thoughts on “The Perfect Contraceptive

  1. saved in drafts

    i am currently using a laptop which is missing 9 keys…. its had a cup of water thrown over it during a tantrum and – even after drying over night upside down in the airing cupboard- i cant have the volume up because one of the keys is jammed ‘on’ so all it does it make a ‘ding ding ding ding ding’ noise. It is on its 5th plug/cable and now must be used only on a table a) so it doesn’t overheat and b) because it only works while plugged in and c) the cable cuts power if moved away from a certain position…. i have had to add a wireless mouse and keyboard to allow me to type and simply use the computer but even then somewhere along the line my settings got played with and all it does is bring up funny lines. Im holding out on getting a new laptop until my son has moved out….
    Sophie, Mother to Tyler – aged 4

  2. Enchanted Seashells

    my son said a great help to drying electronics is those little silica packets they put in everything. they absorb moisture. as he’s 31 now i don’t really have a crazed toddler around to try it out, but I believe him. really fun post!

  3. The Other Watson

    Ahhh so very funny! I know as a one year old, I somehow ripped a cage that had been bolted to the wall around a fireplace out of the wall on my own. Once I had accomplished this feat I just toddled off as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened. I’m sure I did other destructive things too but that one always stands out.

  4. gentlestitches

    You are a wise woman.
    Yes you really do have to watch them ALL THE TIME!!! You cannot imagine what “all the time” means until you have to do it. But what about when I have to go to the loo or go to work or go outside to take a deep breath? Did you not get it? It is ALL THE TIME. 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. But what if I am sick and cant stop running to the Loo? ALL THE TIME.
    How can I cook and clean and at the same time watch them. You actually can’t but you have to!
    and this is from someone who truly loves children and enjoys teaching. Perhaps it is because I love children I remind people of the “ALL THE TIME “.

  5. ekisjan

    I have seen enough snot noses, poop filled diapers and once, a two year old vomiting what looked like strawberry milkshake to know that I never want children. That vomit flowed out of that poor kid like a bloody river. I never knew that so much vomit could come out of a girl… Really… No thanks.


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