You know it used to be we had Valentines Day, then Easter, then the 4th of July, then came Halloween, then Thanksgiving, then Christmas, then finally New Years. They were all separate and you actually had time to celebrate them before the next holiday season started, but somewhere down the line, over time, it changed, things got muddied, holidays blended. We now have an Easter bunny hiding your significant others Valentines candy from her and we all know what happens when you try hiding chocolate from a woman.
The 4th of July still has it’s own day only because it’s not close to any of the other holidays even though it is close to Labor Day and Memorial Day. What really pisses me off though is when we get into winter. You have a fat zombie in a Santa suite married to a witch flying around in a sleigh driven by a bunch of turkeys throwing hams down everyone’s chimneys. If you haven’t gotten my point, let me spell it out for you.
Halloween approaches, YEAH! Decorations start coming out, kids are excited, they get to go trick or treating, adults are excited they get to scare the shit out of the kids and go to adult Halloween parties dressed like male and female whores, get drunk and have orgies. Then the unthinkable happens, about 4 days before Halloween, the stores clearance out the decorations and start putting up Thanksgiving decorations. Now wait a damn minute. Halloween isn’t fucking over yet. At least wait till the day after, Jesus.
Then Halloween is over and we put out our Thanksgiving decorations. Everyone starts their 30 days of “What I’m Thankful For” like “Day 1: I’m thankful for that 3-some I had” “Day 2: I’m thankful my wife swallows” you get the picture. Then it comes down to, you guessed it, about 4 days before Thanksgiving and wha-la decorations are put on clearance and Christmas decorations are already being put out. Can we not celebrate Thanksgiving? I mean really. The day after is fucking black Friday, when everyone is going to be pushing each other over, stomping on fingers, hitting each other with their carts, fighting over the last Tickle Me Channing Tatum Doll. Wait till that Sunday to start putting out the Christmas decorations for crying out loud.
Then you guessed it, 4 days before Christmas, all the decorations are going on clearance and fucking New Years doesn’t even get anything except sales at ABC Liquor stores. So I say we take back our holidays damn it. Stop buying the next holidays decorations until after the current holiday is over. Celebrate the holiday your in not the one coming up. Things have gotten way out of hand, all in the name of making a buck.
My name is Rob Nelson and these are my thoughts on the holidays.