My next guest celebrity blogger truly doesn’t give a fuck. Don’t believe me? Check out her blog, she says so on it. Heather’s B(itch) Log is truly an amazing blog but be careful of your sensitivities if you venture on over. Hell, just leave them at the door. So on with the post. .
Is California the Site of the Zombie Apocalypse?
I don’t really know much about this whole zombie thing going on in popular culture right now. I am aware that people believe the possibility of a zombie-like virus infecting and destroying the human race is probable to happen in our lifetime. (I learned about that one on a train in San Diego a few years ago, when someone told me all about how scientists had created zombie ants.) I think it involves the eating of brains; although, that could be the more traditional version of zombies. I’m fairly certain there is a TV show about it. But beyond that I’m not too up on the trend.
What I do know of zombies – which has stood the test of time, in terms of people’s notion of them – is this: they are lazy, they don’t think, and all they care about is food.
So when are people going to realize that the zombie apocalypse is already happening here in California?
Californians Are Lazy
When I moved to California in 2000, I was shocked by the rampant laziness that seems to have infected the natives from birth. Now not all Californians are entirely lazy, but take a look at the main groups of people we have here and then tell me they aren’t lazy zombies.
If I see one more surfer in his stupid-looking wet suit, walking around town in the middle of the workweek, flippantly flipping his hair because it’s too long to stay out of his eyes naturally, rambling on about his free spirit and heading out for a roasted tofu snack; I am going to scream. Sometimes when I have to drive something to my husband at work, I cruise down the Pacific Coast Highway and am filled with rage by the sheer number of hippies riding the waves along the entire 50-mile stretch between our home and his work. Do these people not have jobs?
The reality is that they do have jobs and they either work odd hours or are skipping work. In my experience, it is mostly the latter – thus proving my point. Lazy surfers. Zombies.
Film Industry Ass-Cans
Everyone comes to California to break into the film industry. It gobbles you up and spits you out, which is another story altogether; but as someone that is married to a film industry ass-can, I can say without a doubt that they are all lazy zombies.
You hear these stories about how devoted people are in the film industry and how much overtime they have to work to make it big. And yet every time I’ve ever been to my husband’s work, everyone’s sitting around on their cans (hence the term ‘ass-cans’) looking up memes on Google, or telling stories about movies they just saw. I had never seen people sit in such a lounged position at work either, until seeing everyone in what appeared to be a permanent position of repose at my husband’s company. Everyone is always trying to pass the buck, too. My husband is constantly asked to work late, work extra, work weekends, just because someone else is far too lazy to do it himself.
Californians Don’t Think
Some of this is a little self-explanatory. Again, it is an overstatement to say that all Californians do not think. But in my experience, the vast majority of them seem to be brainless.
My husband is a native Californian, and as a result he is constantly showing how little he thinks about what he is doing. This isn’t to say that he’s stupid; in fact, it isn’t to say that any Californians are stupid. It’s just to argue that they aren’t thinking with the intelligence each of them may or may not have. Just look at the way Californians drive in the rain; or the fact that so many of them live in high burn and maximum flood risk areas, despite the number of natural disasters that occur here every year.
But it isn’t just the big stuff they don’t think on; it’s the little things too. This morning I woke up and went to get breakfast. I had a piece of toast and a glass of milk. When I went to get the glass of milk, I saw that my husband had put the large jug of Oceanspray Blueberry juice in the cupboard with the glasses, instead of back in the refrigerator.
Californians don’t think. To anyone that does, they are clearly zombies.
Californians Only Care About Food
The preoccupation these people have with food is a little disgusting. I don’t mean the zombies, I mean the Californians. And this – I think – is the most damning of the evidence that California is the site of the zombie apocalypse.
The irony is that in California you are expected to be stick thin, and yet eat the crap slathered in cheese that comprises California Cuisine. It took me a long time to even figure out what the term ‘California Cuisine’ even meant. Reportedly, it’s the fusion of two types of food that never – in a million years – should be fused together. So you’ve got Italian trattorias that serve fish tacos. You have burger joints that serve sushi. And so on.
More than anything, the Californians are obsessed with their food. Every California friend or relative I have centers their entire lives around what they are going to eat. All conversations include the topic. Each dish has to have a minimum of four adjectives in its description (“a fiesta chicken taco with a hint of lime and avocado, sprinkled in a blend of asiago and parmesan cheese”). Every party is a dinner party; and it isn’t a dinner party if it is lacking an entire spread of dishes.
So I think it’s pretty safe to argue that the zombie apocalypse is already going on right here in my own backyard, the state of California. Is the end of the world at the hands of brain eating weirdos upon us? Judging by the fact that not every single Californian is lazy, thoughtless, and entirely preoccupied with food, tells me there is still hope.
But am I stocking up on canned goods and making friends with people that have guns and very large trucks (that can run the infected mutants over)? You bet I am.