I was sitting here at work, doing something close to nothing, thinking about what to blog on when my mind started to wander. I started remembering things in my past and then it hit me like a double orgasm. YES, YES, YES, THAT’S IT! I’ll do a post on Remembering. More specifically, listing different things that should be a common occurance for most people and start each with (say in the deep echo voice) “Do you remembererererer….” Just like Warrant said “I Remember You” oh wait getting off track. So here we go, yeah, here we go, jump jump, here we go, jump jump, oh sorry, off track again.
Do you remember being born? That feeling of being squeezed through this small vaginal canal or for those who were C-Section, laying in that warm cozy spot, then suddenly yanked into the cold air, a bright light in your face, little bugs saying “Don’t go near the light” and you saying “but it’s so pretty”. For the others, especially the guys, at least me anyway your thinking “Damn it’s cramped in here. Gotta….get out…..ahhhh my ear is bending the wrong way….wait wait my shoulder…hey…my shoe.” Then once your out your thinking to yourself “Fuck that was a tight fit. No matter what I do, I’m making this pledge here today, I will spend the rest of my life getting back in one as tight as that, no matter if I have to go inside every vagaina in the world to find it.” Then we grow up and learn it’s impossible. You learn there are women out there that are dicks or should I say have dicks, and well that just totally confuses you. You look up, you see boobs, you look down, you see an erect penis. Up…yeah, down…crap. Suck it, oh wait I mean fuck it, no wait that wasn’t right either, I’m getting out of here….thank you, bye bye.
Do you remember your first crush. You were 8, they were in their early 20’s and your 3rd grade teacher. Oh wait maybe that was just me….they were your neighbor, you were in the same class. Then she said she liked billy and you called her a whore and walked away.
Do you remember being 11, you and the neighbor you like are behind your house hidden and you play “You show me yours and I’ll show you mine?” then you say “If you let me touch yours I’ll let you touch mine…alot, more than I do myself, matter-of-fact, I’ll tell you when you can stop.”
Do you remember your first time riding a bike? Your father or mother holding on the back of the your bicycle seat jogging beside you saying “Pedal, pedal your doing great, I’m gonna let go now” and you screaming in the most demonic voice possible “DON’T YOU DARE LET GO!” your parent replying “Ok, I’m not. I’m still holding on.” Meanwhile they did let go and they are just jogging behind you and after about a minute they break the news “See you did it.” “I did what?” you reply “Your riding all by yourself.” Then as if a train was headed straight at you and you were tied to the tracks, your heart starts beating 4 times as fast, you fear for your life, your thinking they said they wouldn’t let go and you look back and see them 40 yards back waving. You feel a dribble of piss break, you turn forward really fast, too fast, you jerk the handle bars, you start swerving, turning the handlbars to much and hammering the bike into the asphault as you break the fall with your knees and elbows leaving most of the skin on the road and the road leaving most of it in you. Your crying “You LIED! You LIED!” They calm you down, patch you up and your out doing it again, this time in the grass so when you fall it doesn’t hurt so bad.
Do you remember that first kiss? Thinking why in the hell is their tongue in my mouth, it’s gross yet, arousing too.
Do you remember that first time making out in the car? Feeling each other up. Finding those body parts you only saw in your parents dirty pornos.
Do you remember your first fist fight, how you both ended up rolling around in the grass and dirt, not really a fight but more like a couple of cats on crack.
Do you remember that first beer you drank? The buzz you got. Maybe you are a wuss and you threw up too.
Do you remember your first dance? Going out after finding a nice dark place to park and having sex.
Do you remember the first time you had sex? That amazing feeling you had (hopefully it was amazing and consentual anyway) as your body experienced new sensations.
Do you remember your first love? Then finding out later how much of sham that really is.
Do you remember the site of your children being born? The feeling of pride you felt.
Do you remember the first time you saw my gravitar picture and thinking I have to follow this guys blog he is freaking hot?
Do you remember your name after reading this blog?
Do you remember your first pet and how you loved it and wanted it to go everywhere with you but you didn’t want to do any of the work that comes with a pet like giving it food and water, and cleaning up after the pet, and finally the shit got so big and tall you could use it as an end table? Your father ended up doing almost all the work while you reaped all the benefits. Do you remember that?
Well that’s it for now. I’m sure I’ll have some more at a later date. Enjoy