How To Deal With Anger. Is It The Issue Or The Question?

English: Angry woman.

English: Angry woman. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I have been asked on more than one occassion by more than one person how to deal with anger.  Am I just not supposed to be angry?  And many other questions similar to these.  Well I have many answers to this.  Before I get to them I wanna talk a little about myself.  I know everyone loves it when I talk about myself anyway.

First off, I used be the most patient person you ever knew.  It took a lot to make me angry, I mean a lot.  When I did get angry, it was short lived, it burned off within a couple hours no more than a day and most of the time I couldn’t even remember why I was angry.  But I, myself, just like every other human being have my breaking point and at some point I hit it.  The question became how to recover.  That is something I have been struggling to figure out for a couple years now.  I have become quick to anger, quick to raise my voice, quick to yell.  Now, I still calm down pretty quickly and most of the time forget why unless it is something that repeatedly upsets me like, on a daily basis, then it’s hard not to remember.

In an effort to ease the tension between me and my spouse, because frankly we have enough other things to worry about and be angry about we don’t need to be fighting each other, we need to be fighting for each other, I have been trying to figure out how to get back to the calm, slow to anger person I used to be.  It has been tough, but I feel I have made some progress.  I can count over the past several months numerous times that I got angry but either kept my mouth shut and walked away to avoid arguing or yelling, or voiced my frustration in a conversational tone instead of going straight to yelling.

So the questions are how do you deal with anger and are you just not supposed to get angry?  Well I think these two questions can be answered with the same answer.  First everyone has something that pisses them off, gets them angry.  So of course, you have a right to be angry, it shows you actually have a soul and not some mindless zombie going day to day with no feeling or emotion.  So if you are angry be angry.  The key I believe is how you deal with that anger.  I have found from years of experience, lashing out, yelling, screaming, and arguing, solves nothing.  All it does is make you and the other person that much more angrier.  It escalates the situation further to a point where you may not have wanted it to go in the first place.

So, I think there are a couple ways to deal with this anger, wether it is because someone did something to piss you off, life won’t give you a break, you try repeatedly to accomplish a goal and keep failing or whatever.  One way is to not say anything.  Like I said before.  Walk away.  Now, the key to doing this is not letting the other person know that you are angry, because if they are any type of a caring person and they have any idea that you are, they are going to want you to discuss it, which can cause problems and push you to yelling or saying something you regret later.  I’m not saying put on the fake smile, because most people can see right through that a mile away.  Just tell yourself, you don’t want to yell, you don’t want be angry and walk away as if you were going to the kitchen.  When alone, then talk to yourself about why your angry, say it’s bullshit, not fair, or whatever.  When you got it out of your system then go back into the room with everyone else and proceed as normal.  Again your angry and you have that right but sometimes not saying anything is the best course of action.

The other thing you can do is talk about it.  When I say talk I mean talk, as in have a conversation.  Don’t accuse, don’t yell, don’t say my life sucks, I’m worthless, I just wasn’t meant to have anything or be better than what I am.  Just talk.  If you don’t think you can control yourself with the person your angry at or the person the situation effects because it is life that your angry at then talk to a friend.  AGAIN, remember when talking to your friend, its a conversation, not a pity party.  They are your friend but they don’t want to hear you tell them every time your pissed how your life sucks.  If they are a true friend they aren’t going to tell you they are tired of hearing it because they will recognize you are already angry or depressed and will know that will make it worse, so they will keep it to themselves. 

You may be asking, what I mean specifically by have a conversation.  Well I mean just that.  Sit down and say “you know this happened today and it upset me.”  Just state the facts.  Your life sucking or you not worth have anything, etc is your opinion.  Not trying to upset anyone but it is just that.  You may feel it is fact but if you break it down, it is an emotional response to how you feel about yourself and the situation you are in.  So leave it out of the conversation.  Discuss what happened.  What caused the issue, that got you angry, to happen.  Why it has angered you.  Then ask, how do I fix this now that it has happened.  Express your concerns about it happening again and what needs to be done to avoid it.  Be willing to accept the fact that it may be something that can’t be avoided like paying taxes or paying your bills.

Unless you are being abused, physically, emotionaly, or mentally, or your spouse is cheating on you, you should NEVER hear from the person talking to you, leaving your spouse is the answer because it isn’t.  That is the worst thing anyone can say.  Don’t be that person either, to tell your friend, “live your life, leave your spouse, you don’t need to put up with his ex or his OCD, or whatever.”  Again, unless of course the issue is one of the ones listed above.  I myself have been guilty of saying I thought my spouse would have a better life without me.  Now I meant this will all the love in my heart because of the problems we are facing, I felt if she left she would be better off because she wouldn’t have to deal with my problems, like my ex, child support, spousal support, financial problems, no job, etc.  But honestly, that was not the right answer, it’s never the right answer.  Working out the problems and finding a solution is the right answer.  Also being willing to accept that there are times, there is absolutely nothing you can do, and the outcome is out of your hands, that you just have to deal with what happens as it happens.

In closing, I tell you, be angry, but don’t express it through yelling, arguing, and self pity.  Deal with it, with a sound mind, talking about it in a casual conversation or just walk away and talk to yourself about it.  Most importantly, avoid the yelling, the arguing, the fighting, the name calling, the blame-game, because none of these things will fix what got you angry to begin with and will only make things worse.


16 thoughts on “How To Deal With Anger. Is It The Issue Or The Question?

    1. radaronelson Post author

      Us. Our arguments. My problems with being quick to yell and agrue. You reminding me how I didn’t use to be like that. You asking me how your supposed to deal with it.

  1. Fat Bottom Girl

    I am quick to anger some days, but I am always quick to forgive. The latter being the reason all loser dudes flock to me, because they can treat me like shit and I forgive them quickly. Serious character flaw!! 🙂

    1. radaronelson Post author

      I understand what your saying, I can be that way too. I think in those instances the issue is recognizing why they do what they do. Is it because they think they can use you and not worry about your response or do they honestly just mess up without the intention of hurting but do so anyway. I think the answer ultimately determines what your next step is and how you respond, wether with understanding or with getting rid of them.

      1. Fat Bottom Girl

        No, I really think they believe they can use me, or whatever chick happens to fall for their bullshit routine. I am a sucker for a line, and the bad boys always seem to have the best ones! lol

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  3. Amy

    I really liked this blog! I really wish more people understood this. Anger is ok and is natural. I do think dealing with it appropriately is the key. I will say that I do have the bff that will let me vent when the same thing pisses me off over and over because she knows it is a situation that I can’t really fix right now. We complain, fuss and then find something to laugh about. Thanks for good thoughts!

      1. Amy

        actually she and i talked tonight about something and she was like “how did you not just slap them?” this is exactly what i needed. then we laughed.

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