I Smell Sex and…Ham

Christmas Ham Glazing Stage 1

Christmas Ham Glazing Stage 1 (Photo credit: Corin (G.I. Folk))

28 Dec 2007 will go down in history as the frozen ham incident.  It was a catastrophe.  I’m just lucky I wasn’t arrested for assult with a frozen ham.  Now picture this, a frozen ham and wild sex.  Have you got it?  Now let me tell you the real story.

This was back when me and my wife were still dating.  We had actually had only been dating about 7 months.  I lived here in Virginia, her in Texas and I would fly out about once a month to visit for the weekend.  Fly in Fri night fly out Sun afternoon or take a Fri off and fly in Thur night.

This particular day we had been picking on each other, playfully of course while we were waiting on dinner.  Now I don’t know why but for some reason women like to take there extremely cold -80 degree icy hands and put them on us men.  Apparently they find humor in this.  But the humor fades when we do the same.  Weird how that happens.  So apparently she decided she wanted to put them on my nipples only I didn’t know how cold they were.  So she comes at me with that seductive I want to fondle you look and lifts my shirt then begins to place her cold hands on me.  I of course jumped trying to get away.  We had our laugh and it was done…for now….as far as she knew anyway. 

Well no good deed goes unpunished.  So in the kitchen sink we had a ham out thawing for Saturday’s supper.  I thought to myself…..”Self, that ham is mighty cold, let’s put our hands on it, get them nice and cold and do the same to her.”  Self replied back “You know, that’s a damn good idea.”  Well I did but as I tried to advance upon her she kept knocking my hands away and I could not get them on her skin.  We were having fun, a good laugh and playing around.

Now if anyone has kids, at some point they end up horseplaying around.  And at some point we as parents tell them to stop or someone is going to get hurt.  Of course, at some point they do get hurt.  Well we all know that only applies to kids, right?  RIGHT?  WRONG!!!!

It was really messing with my head that I have been unable to repay my debt to her for the cold hands of death that she had bestowed upon me earlier and as I was standing there thinking I looked back at that frozen ham and it hit me like a ton of bricks.  So I picked up the entire ham with the intention of putting in on her back.  Well here is where the horesplay, someone gets hurt thing comes in.  She ducked to avoid the frozen ham and in doing so I ended up hitting her in the head with the ham.

Now, it’s at this moment she begins to make these noises, I can’t tell if she is crying or laughing and if laughing if it’s because it was funny or because it hurt so bad she couldn’t cry.  I didn’t know she was sitting there thinking of every redneck joke in the book which was making her laugh harder and harder.  She did say I hit her in the head which I already knew but then she continued to laugh, laughing to the point she is unable to breath and is now crying.  NOW I’m thinking I hurt her.  I hit her so hard with the frozen ham she is crying and laughing as a response due to shock.  All I could do is ask if she was hurt but she wouldn’t answer.  She just kept laughing and crying.  I’m thinking great, she’s going to call the cops, I get arrested for assault with a ham.  Apparently the fear on my face only made her laugh even more.

Eventually she stopped and told me she was okay and there was no need for the cops.  Only she started laughing again and crying again.  Eventually we went to the patio and I realized everything was okay.  Nothing like being scared to death of going to jail for assault.  So in true form I had to add to it and said “Well officer, she just started throwing frozen food at me.  First the ham, then a pot roast, when she chunked the hot dogs I thought, fuck I need to go”  we are rolling by now and she replies “I thought if the taters start comin at me I’m leavin”… this has us both dying of laughter.

Of course from there we started talking about her ex and him saying “See, I told ya’ll that Kevin was a bad man.”…. (he’s forgotten my name was Rob and had began calling me Kevin which is hysterical in it’s own right)…”He’s so bad he beat her with a frozen ham”….and again.. the laughter starts back up.  As with any scenario like this, it eventually leads to the “You might be a redneck when” comments.

Well it doesn’t end there.  NOOOOOOOOO.  Later that night, as we are having one of our many vigarous nights of steamy hot and exhausting sex and she has a huge asthma attack and then starts laughing again.  Now I’m really freaking out cause I think she is going to die cause the sex was too much and I’m going to have to explain to the cops why she has a knot on her head from a frozen ham and then later had an asthma attack and died during orgasm.  “Well sir, apparently the sex was so good it killed her.”  I had no idea why she was laughing.  She can’t breath.  The orgasm took her breath away….literally.  Finally she says “First ya give me a concussion with a frozen ham, then ya try to kill me with wild vigorous sex that literally takes my breath away” and she just found the whole thing amusing. 

I have to say looking back that was one of the funniest moments we have had together.  Boy was I scared shitless though.  If you want to read my wife’s side of the story follow the below link to her blog.



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