Where’s The Hope?

October Muse

October Muse (Photo credit: Chickens in the Trees (vns2009))

Well it’s October.  My birthday will be here next week, I still haven’t found a new job and this contract will be up at the end of the year, I got a year and a half to go before I’ll have my bachelors, I still live in the ghetto and can’t get out, I have to pay my ex so much she takes home more than I do with what I pay and she gets from her own full time job.  Aside from the obvious factors, kids and a wife who loves me, things aren’t looking great for hitting 40.  I had imagined my life at a different point when I got to this age.  It’s difficult at times, especially since I have been diagnosed with depression, to sit and look at any good when all the crap is sitting right in front of me.

I wanted so much more for myself, I planned so much more for my wife when I remarried.  Instead I have been forced by life, an ex, a broken child support enforcement system, and more importantly my own bad decisions and wrong choices to break promises, put things off, and keep my family struggling day to day.  I will stay positive though, I still hang on to the fact that I wanted so much more at this point.  My fingers are slipping but I’m still hanging on.  I have to believe after 6 years, it has to get better soon.  Something has to change for the better.  If i don’t who is going to tell my wife and step kids everything will work out, everything is going to be okay?  They need support too.

So as difficult as it is for me at times, I will continue to hope for a better future for us, those things we need to change will and things will be made right after so many terrible wrongs.  I only hope to be proven right for doing so and not proven wrong.


14 thoughts on “Where’s The Hope?

  1. Sex, Spirit, Soul Mates and Chocolate....Ivonne's Journey

    Turning 40 was fabulous for me–50 not so sure about. Hang in there. You will get to your goals. I went back to school after my divorce got my BA at at age of 40, went back to school again and I got my MA at the age of 49. Now I am studying music. No, my life is nothing like I had imagined it would be at the age of almost 51. You have your wife and kids so you are one up on me—what great blessings. Keep going, keep moving forward you will reach your goals and even get blessings and surprises along the way which you weren’t even expecting.

    ps I too suffer from depression so I understand how difficult it can be at times to see the blessings that are right before us because we are feeling that black cloud above us.



  2. Shannygirl

    I do love you baby.. and look at it this way.. at least we have each other to help kill the roaches in the ghetto… I mean it could be worse, we could be killing them alone. I have to believe myself that the judge will see that she is a liar and a thief and will correct it.

          1. radaronelson Post author

            It’s their rite of passage to become a adult roach, they must survive alone in your house for a week, if they make it they are now considered an adult, if not, well, their dead. LOL

          2. Sex, Spirit, Soul Mates and Chocolate....Ivonne's Journey

            You may want to try a mixture of water-vinegar-and essesntial orange oil. The orange oil starts to melt the shell so they can’t breathe and it slows them down so you can swat it. And since all ingrdients are naturual you don’t hurt dishes, food etc….or your self. It’s my secret weapon that I found on internet. I have ashtma and pets so I can’t use regular pesticide.


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