For Better Or Worse….How Much Worse?

Till death do us part and in some marriages your praying for death every day.  In others your happy and never want to die.  Marriage is like gambling at a casino I think.  No matter the odds, you can come out a winner or come out losing everything you own, all your money, your house, your belongings, your cloths, your kids, your dignity, and your self respect, reduced to selling your body on a street corner, giving 50$ blow jobs so you can have money to eat.  Anyone who ever said marriage is easy is fooling themselves.  I’ve been married twice now and it is no walk in the park, even if you do take walks in the park with your spouse, whether its to have some alone time or to find a good spot to bury the body, it’s not easy.

My first marriage was a divorce waiting to happen.  Unfortunately waiting 15 years before it did happen.  I did however get 3 wonderful, beautiful, children out of it, alone with a lot of emotional scaring and the need for lots of therapy.  Now anyone who has been married more than once I think can relate to the fact that, as much as you want to give your new spouse the benefit of the doubt, not assume they are going to act the same way your ex or exes acted, you just can’t avoid doing it anyway.  Our brains are configured to automatically believe that all spouses are the same, especially if they do, even one small thing, that your ex did.  It screams “SEE, THEY ARE ALL THE SAME” and you start looking or preparing for more things to be said or happen.

The problem with this is that you could end up “looking” for something to happen your entire marriage and it never does.  By doing so your missing out on a closeness that could be there if you weren’t so guarded because of something that hasn’t happened.  We have to learn to train our minds to not assume all spouses are the same because they aren’t.  Even if they happen to do some of the same things.  There are 2 things relationships need to survive and that is Trust and Respect.  Both spouses need to provide this to their spouse in order for their marriage to work.  Unfortunately they are the 2 things that are hardest to accomplish.  Men define a relationship by respect.  It’s through respect that they know they can trust.  Women define a relationship through trust and it’s through trust that they earn and give respect.  If a man doesn’t have your respect he will not trust you.  If a woman doesn’t think she can trust you then she will have no respect for you.

For men, respect is difficult to earn and to give as for women it is difficult for them to trust someone, and very difficult to trust someone 100 percent like they should trust their spouse.

Then comes communications and oh how we communicate so differently.  It seems like when women are happy they speak English but as soon as they are pissed and arguing with you they have a whole new language.  They start speaking Klingon or something.  Different words take on all new meanings like “Whatever” and “Oh Really” and “What did YOU just say?” Emphasizing the word you.  Unfortunately disagreements are never solved with yelling at each other.

Watch out when loose items begin to fly too.  Someone could lose an eye or something.  Despite all the hard work it takes to keep a marriage together and working, it can be done if both spouses truly love each other, believe in their marriage, themselves, and each other and truly want it to work.  Luckily I found my soul mate.  My best friend.  My second wife.  And though the past 3 years have been extremely difficult on us, I know we can make it through till the end.  I love her and will to do what it takes to keep us together and make things work.

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