Living With The Abused

My wife recommended I blog about this, about her, and how I deal with someone who has been abused in pretty much every fashion, so I figured why not.  I have dealt with mental, emotional, and sexual abuse myself but what I dealt with pales in comparison to what my wife went through, pretty much her entire life before we got together.  Last year she had gastric bypass surgery and has lost a lot of weight.  She looks amazing, but then she has always looked amazing to me.  Anyway up until then she has dealt with being overweight, even as a teenager.   And it’s sad but kids and adults can be mean.  There was a lot of mental anguish she dealt with from people because of this.  Her first husband was Satan on earth, her second was pretty much his cousin.

She has endured, mental abuse, emotional abuse, physical abuse, and rape.  These are not things a person gets over with that easy when it happens to them on a daily basis for close to 16 years.  Being told she is lucky they find her attractive because no one else will and other comments of the sort, all plays into a person psyche.  Now today, she is in a good marriage, she has lost the weight but the damage is still there.  She has been diagnosed with anger displacement meaning the years of abuse gets pushed onto someone else even if they don’t deserve it because they said a word or made a gesture or movement that triggered a memory of some type of abuse in her past and being her husband I tend to be that person who get’s that anger.  There is also the self hatred.  When you are told most of your life your fat, no one will ever want you, it’s only a matter of time before you start believing it; it doesn’t matter if it is all lies, because lies told enough start sounding like the truth in time.

She has lost all the weight, she looks amazing, yes because of the type of surgery she had, there is excess skin, that is natural, we are waiting for a date for plastic surgery so they can remove that but even still to look at her she is a very sexy and beautiful woman.  But when she looks at herself that isn’t what she sees.  She sees what all those men in her past told her.  She sees a fat cow that no one would want.  I told her even when she has had everything done that she wants I believe she will still find a flaw with herself.  It’s a mental thing.  She was mentally abused so long she doesn’t know how to see herself any other way but flawed.

So the question comes in, how do you live with someone who has dealt with so much abuse, someone with anger displacement, knowing you will be the taking the brunt of that anger, someone with so much self hatred for how they look they will never be happy, no matter what you say to them?  I can tell you it is difficult.  I can also say I really don’t know.  I don’t have all the answers.  I can tell you how I deal with it, I can tell you how I try to help her but I can also tell you it doesn’t matter what I do or say, it’s going to take her making the mental changes herself, someone with professional skills to help her, to teach her how to deal with her past.  Until that day all I can do is continue to love her, tell her I love her, tell her how beautiful she is every day, and be there when she is down, and not fight back and recognize when she is just displacing her anger from her past and not getting angry about anything I did in particular.  These are the things I do to help her and these are the things I will continue to do because I love her.

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One thought on “Living With The Abused

  1. Shannygirl

    I love you baby. I am sorry for the hell I put you through but I am thankful that you see it’s not you I’m angry at. It’s a constant battle in my head as you know but I do feel on some aspects I am much better, other’s not so much. I will always see myself as a fat cow, no matter what. It’s just learning to accept that (for myself I mean)

    Reply

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