My entire life, I have always felt alone. Even though I always had friends, I was always spending time with someone, no matter how good that felt to be accepted I was never really happy. When I was alone was when I felt the happiest and also the saddest. It has been like an on-going war between the voices in my head. I’m alone yet I’m surrounded by voices. Voices fueding as to what was right, what was best, how I felt, what I wanted. There is nothing more confusing than when your own brain tells you 6 different things on the same subject. I’m sure many of you by the end of this will probably be telling yourself, “wow he always seemed such a nice guy, he’s really more messed up than I am.”
I have had very few people I have let get into my heart, so close that I love them, so close that if I lost them, I would lose a piece of my soul. I do that because I don’t want to feel that pain. My grandmother was one of those people. My grandfather another. My children are as well as my wife and my parents. Everyone else are divided up into categories. My family whom I’ll miss but get over, my friends, and my aquantenances. All three of which I have never let my emotions have control over. If so, moving away, losing touch, if I ever lost one, etc would rip me apart. And that is a pain I can not bear. I already have enough pains inside, there is no room for anymore.
My wife says I have a Superman complex. I always have to help people. Hence me joining the military. Me helping people move. Me saving someone’s life. Me flying out and saving her from her abusive husband at the time (now ex). Maybe it is true. Let’s look at the analogy. Superman. A man everyone loved yet no one truly knew. He lived alone, in solitude. He cared for everyone but loved only a few. He was always there when someone needed him. Yet at the same time that was his downfall, because that would also get him in trouble on occassion as well. Yep that sounds like me. So how does one stop being Superman? Doesn’t the world need Superman? When Superman died the world mourned and all hell broke loose. But to not be Superman would mean to not be alone as well….wouldn’t it? Or would the many voices in my head keep that from happening.
I have a pension for having great things given to me then screwing it up. I had my kids, then I got a divorce and tore their hearts open. Yes they healed but to see their tears that day I told them hollowed me out inside. I formed a relationship with my current wife but almost lost her because I chose to go a different direction and as a result I was yet again screwed. Luckily I won her back over. Yet now we are together and married and I find myself slowly sabatoging another great thing that has been given to me and throwing it away. I need people, I need friends, I need my wife, yet my mind says I need to be alone with only the voices to torment me. Reminding me what I have done, what I should have done, what I could have done, what I didn’t do, and what I’ll never do.
I found over the years at how easy it was just to turn off my emotions. This ensured that I never got hurt. And truthfully it worked for many years. But I am finding my reality is just an illusion. I’m retreating into my brain and I’m not alone. My voices are tearing me up inside and the pain I feel couldn’t hurt any worse than it ever did before. I isolate myself, yet I don’t want to be alone. I have been there to save others in war and in peace. I have been their Superman, yet I can’t save myself. I’m not there for myself. Superman – where am I now?
The love hurts and I don’t want to hurt, yet I don’t want to be without this love. I miss my kids, I miss my wife, working nights all the time and her days we never see each other. I have no friends to speak of. I’m alone. Surrounded by voices.