Just Another Brick In The Wall

The Wall

You ever feel like sometimes when talking to someone you’re just yelling at a brick wall?  Like nothing you say is getting through or matters?  You feel like they hear you but in their head they are thinking “That may be true or was true when you were a kid but it’s different today or I don’t care I’m going to do it my way anyway despite you telling me it won’t work because I think I’m smarter than you and your 43 years experience?”

Well, how about the constant use of technology?  Let me say I think technology is great, I worked on computers for the majority of my AF career.  I have 2 more classes left and I will have my Bachelor’s in IT, Business Systems Analysis.  I use computers at work.  I’m all for it.  With that said, I’m not on the computer very much at home.  I do a lot of my stuff on my phone and I try not to have it glued to my face.  I watch TV a lot yes but I also take time to turn the TV OFF and put on music and just listen to it for several hours.  I can just lay on the couch and let the music play and be happy or do chores or play a game with the wife it doesn’t matter.

Meat Grinder Kids

It seems like our generation of children however are being hooked on technology and don’t understand life doesn’t revolve around social media, instagram, texting, X-Box, TV, or taking 500 selfies a day.  There is a whole other world out there.  We tell our kids all the time they have it a lot easier than we did.  When we were kids, we didn’t have computers and google to do research for papers.  We actually had to go to the library, use the Dewey Decimal System to find the books we need, then go find them on the shelves, then read the books to find the information we needed to use as references for our papers.  The information wasn’t just a click away.  We had to actually know how to spell words (surprise) we couldn’t afford to be lazy and say “Spell check will figure it out” which is a lame excuse for not knowing how to spell words like “exorbitant”, “School, “Pastry” or even “Plethora”.

We try to express to them that while technology is great and it’s fun to play on these new computers, and new x-box games, and talk with our friends through text or post pictures on instagram you have to step away from them from time to time.  You can’t spend all your time on them.  That’s no life, your letting your childhood slip away.  There are so many things your not experiencing because your focused on technology instead.  Unfortunately like most parents we get that vacant stare and they continue on like we never said a word.

Rise Of The Machines

In closing I fear technology has won the war and parents have become the civilian casualties.  There’s only so much you can say or do to effect change and if change refuses to come you just have to admit defeat, lick your wounds, and let them find out on their own when they are older and it’s too late to do anything about it, that you were right all along.

What Dreams May Come


This was actually inspired by my wife, who told me she had a fucked up dream this morning and I got to thinking about my dreams.  Some recurring and some one time random dreams.  So I thought myself “Self.  Why not share some of those with the internet?”  Now I won’t share them all because some are a result of PTSD and I’m just not comfortable sharing that in this platform.


This first dream is a recurring dream I had from my teens up through my late 20’s.  Basically there were a bunch of people lined up in white robes walking up a small rocky path up the side of a tall mountain.  It went maybe 20 miles high or more.  There were people in black robes intermittently prodding them along.  Then at the top was a group of people in black robes, either passing judgment or sentencing or something then one holding something like a large battleaxe beside a large stone.  The people in the white robes came up one by one, kneel in front of the stone, then lay their heads upon it.  Then the individual with the battleax would chop their heads off.  The head would roll off the side of the mountain as well as their bodies pushed off the side to fall to the bottom of the mountain beside the people as they started their trek up.  I attribute this to my religious upbringing that I no longer practice.  Gotta love the church throwing images of the end of the world in your face every chance they get in the name of “saving you” don’t ya?  Thanks for the bad dreams!

The second one I was in a large yard with very green grass.  There was a large tree and a red barn.  There was a man and woman.  The woman was possessed by 13 demons.  The man cast the demons out of the woman and into 13 pigs that were nearby.  When they entered their body the pigs began to squeal like they were in intense physical pain then ran away.  Yea another one there I thank the church for.

Zombie Killing

The next one has many variations.  It has the same theme but different scenarios each time.  Basically what it boils down to is my wife, kids, and step kids, all at the same time or individually and myself are being attacked by zombies and I am fighting to save our lives.  Luckily we always live.  I attribute this to several things, my love of zombies and my need to protect my family at all costs.  Being retired Air Force, I no longer have a nation to protect, now all I have is my loved ones.

Charlize Theron

Finally this one isn’t a recurring dream but just a dream I have had.  Granted the picture above is of Charlize Theron, whom is on my New Years resolution to have a 3-some with her and my wife, the dream did not have her in it, the dream it self was me having a 3-some with my wife and a blonde woman whom I have never met.  Don’t know who she is, someone my brain cooked up in my dream.  The sex was hot and wild, the 3 of us were all over each other like animals.  Tongues, pussy, tits, ass, and (my) dick were everywhere.  By the time we were done we were soaked in sweat and completely exhausted.  This one I just attribute to the fact that its a long time fantasy of mine, pure and simple.

Now I believe two things about dreams.  I believe some dreams do mean something and can be interpreted and I believe other dreams don’t mean anything and are just your subconscious trying to make sense of things going on, it has a jumble of images inside it, your body is stressed or depressed, and it is just trying to make sense of everything and creates something out of it and it doesn’t really mean anything at all.

So those are a sampling of my dreams, kinda crazy I know.  Tell’s you how messed up my brain is doesn’t it?  LOL

Looking At The Positives

Pros and cons

Since I hadn’t been around for awhile there are some things I haven’t been able to keep everyone up to date with.  I thought this post I would go over some positive things happening.  The list may seem short but every positive thing counts right?

First up my oldest daughter who is 22, married 2 years now, is pregnant and due in June.  She found out in February that it is a girl.  Yes that means I am going to be a grandfather for the first time.  As happy as I am for them, it did catch me off guard when she told me back in October.  I struggled up until probably last month what to be called.  This is an important decision you know.  I think I finally decided on pa (p-ai) paw (not pronounced like pa pa the a similar to an ai together, that’s the best way I can type it.   So pa paw it is.  So to be the best grandfather I can be I have started buying pacifiers, onesie’s and bibs.  Books and toys will come soon.  I warned them both, just as I did with her, her brother, and her sister, I will ensure this grandchild will be a Steelers fan, love Star Trek, Star Wars, and Zombies.  So what was the first bib I bought?  See below.


Next positive is I talked to my son, who is in his 2nd year at University of Florida and he told me he got a promotion at his job to Training Coordinator.  Congratulations to him.  I’m very proud of him.  I have always been proud of him.  We’ve decided to set up chess boards and e-mail each other our moves.  So I’ll move his piece on my board when he emails me.  Then move my piece then email him what move I made and he will do the same on his chess board.  Something we can do while being apart.

Next up, we will be celebrating our 6th Anniversary May 4th.  With limited funds we can’t do everything I want to but the fact she stuck around with me for this long is a positive in and of it self.

I’m sure if I tried I could think of more but it’s 1:40 in the morning, I’m at work, and I’m just trying to keep from falling asleep so I will end it here.

Fear The Dragon


So last year I bought my wife a bearded dragon.  We named her Mushu.  She was a grumpy bitch but after 8 months of owning her, we grew quite fond of her.  She was 10 months old when she passed, we estimated 2 months old when we bought her.  We don’t know why she passed, we think she somehow got parasites.  So anyway we cleaned everything to include buying a new cricket holder and was given a new dragon by a friend.  His name is Draco.  He can be seen in the above picture guarding his treasure.  He too is a grumpy dickhead but loves sticking his tail and hind legs in the mountain water container we bought that magnetically attaches to the side of the terrarium.

Just like Mushu we have grown attached to Draco the Dragon.  He hasn’t learned to breath fire yet but we’re still working on that.  He loves eating his crickets.  They are supposed to like vegetables and certain fruits like blueberries and while Mushu would eat some (not a lot) he’s a bit more of an ass and just refuses to eat them.  On occasion he will take a few bites here and there but not often.

He is roughly 4 months old now and despite his temperamental attitude he is a great pet.  I highly recommend them but before you do, read up on them first, make sure you know how to take care of them, what they need as far as basking lamps, size terrariums, bathing, cleaning, food, when to switch to sand, etc.  Don’t go into it blind.  Know how to recognize certain behaviors so you know if something is wrong or if it is normal.  There are a lot of books out there on the subject that can help as well as a lot of webistes so do your research first.

My Reading Inspirations


I have been an avid reader most of my life.  At first I started with comics and read them up into my late 20s and would still continue to buy and read them today if I could afford it but alas I can’t, so that will have to go on the back burner for now because believe it or not keeping up with comics, as cheap as a new comic can be, is more expensive a hobby then reading books.

Later in my teens I got heavy into books.  I actually read another post from theinnerwildkat and that’s where I got the inspiration for this blog.  Along with comics I read books up until my 20s then got out of it for awhile.  I started back in my late 30s and haven’t stopped since.  I would go to the library during any free time I had in school and find a book and read it.  Two of those books were written by John Steinbeck.  They were The Grapes of Wrath and Of Mice and Men.  I can’t tell you just how amazing these books were to me.  Most kids today probably wouldn’t get a third of the way through them before they quit reading them because they aren’t of vampires, zombies, spies, horror stories, or sex.  All of which I read today but still.  My son who is a sophomore in college now, actually surprised me a couple years ago when we were talking about books and he named some he read.  Aside from the Hobbit and The Lord of The Rings which I had bought him when he was younger, he listed off some great books such as Julius Caesar, Macbeth, The Metamorphosis, The Illiad, and Animal Farm.  I was shocked because I just didn’t think kids today read those books anymore.

John Steinbeck The Grapes Of Wrath

John Steinbeck Of Mice And Men

Another book I read as a teenager that had a profound effect on me and so did the movie was written by Wilson Rawls, Where The Red Fern Grows.  This book held me in suspense, made me care, not only for the kid but for his dogs as well, made me laugh, and even made me cry.  I loved this book and own it still today.

Wilson Rawls Where The Red Fern Grows

Finally the main books I read from my teens up into my 20s were Luis L’Amour books.  I have read about 80% of all his books and probably own about 45% of them.  I loved his westerns and his Sackett series I thought was the best of them all.  One day I will finish reading all his books and own them all as well.

Luis L'Amour

Finally when I started reading again, I got more into the ghost stories and zombie books.  Mark Tufo is my all time favorite author that I currently read.  Every time he has a new book or series come out I make sure I buy it.  My favorite of them all is the Zombie Fallout series which is still going.  This guy is an amazing writer and has a way to pull you into the book and characters.

Mark Tufo Zombie Fallout

Next up on the list of current authors that I read is Jonathan Maberry.  His Rot & Ruin series is definitely a different take on the zombie Apocalypse than most others.  The series is written for older teens but it is still an amazing series even for adults as well.

Jonathan Maberry Rot & Ruin

Next up is Joe McKinney.  He has a whole outfit of different books out there that I haven’t even scratched the surface on but the ones I have read are the Dead World series, another zombie apocalypse series.  Are you starting to see a pattern to my reading now that I’m older?  I guess when you get my age you start thinking about death more, I don’t know.  Anyway these books go a step further and each book tells a story about different characters in each book, with just a couple tying one or two characters together.  But the great thing is they aren’t based in the same time.  One starts after the apocalypse, the next is based on several days before it happens and centering around a group of survivors when it does, another book 10 years later and another 20 years later, and so on.  A great concept.

Joe McKinney Appocolypse Of The Dead

Finally, if you know me at all then you know I am a fan of The Walking Dead TV series.  The show is just amazing and I have cheated and read the comics on line for free and do keep up with them.  However this is not about those comics.  It is however about the author Robert Kirkman and his novel series centered around a main character and city, The Governor and Woodberry, from The Walking Dead.  These books go more in detail than what the comics or TV show did and the books are simply amazing.

Robert Kirkman The Road To Woodbury

So to all you homo sapiens out there that like to read and are aren’t tied down to one type of book I humbly suggest these authors and books for you to read at your earliest opportunity.

Where’s God?

Where Is God

Events lately have had me debating God’s existence. Either he doesn’t exist or he does and just doesn’t care about us or more specifically me and my family and just sits up in Heaven like some Pius King, laughing and drinking, and rolling his holy dice to see what happens with our lives next.

I write this blog not to start any religious debates so please don’t start any.  If your a religious person and truly believe in him and how he answers prayers I would suggest you don’t read any further and just click off this post.  Now, to give you a little background I went to church my entire life.  From the day I was born till I was 34, the day I asked for a divorce from my first wife I went with maybe a brief interruption of 3 or for 4 year from 16 to 20 yrs old.  One thing I realized at the time was I never went because I wanted to go.  I went because someone else made me go.  Growing up it was my parents, then after marriage it became my ex-wife.  Religion was one of a big list of things on my list as to why I wanted a divorce.  It wasn’t at the top but it was in the top 5.  When I stopped going, I still believed in God and in the bible.  What I didn’t believe in was organized religion.

Since however, I got fucked in my divorce, something I did not deserve, but Virginia believes because your a man your automatically a dead beat even though I was the one requesting the divorce for reasons I won’t state here.  I dated a whore who robbed me blind of the rest of my money.  Then after getting re-married we have done nothing but struggle just to survive and we have been married  6 years this May.  Are things better?  Sure.  I have slowly been paying off debts but there is always something that happens that prevents us from getting ahead.

Anyway, through out this time there have been many occasions I have found myself praying to this invisible God that everyone loves so much, and that I have believed in for so many years, asking for help.  Now this isn’t for things like a new x-box game or something like that, this is for money to buy food, pay rent, buy a new car because the old one died or was totaled in an accident.  I can count on one hand the amount of times I thought and believed he actually heard my prayers.  Sad thing is the amount of times he hasn’t is so many, I can’t count them all, there are just too many times, those prayers went unanswered.

I went my entire life being told “All you have to do is ask God for help and he will answer your prayers.”  Really?  So where is he when I need him the most?  Where was he when I had no money to buy groceries and we had to go to food banks and get moldy food to eat?  Where was he when rent was late because my pay got screwed up and now we have a late fee that has to be paid instead of putting that money towards debt?  Where is he while we are trying to pay for dentistry for our children that insurance doesn’t cover?  People like to say he doesn’t give us more than we can handle.  If that were so why have I considered ending my life in the past?  Why does it go through my head even still that everyone would be better off if I weren’t alive?  I’d say I had more than I could handle.  The only thing that stops me is being too chicken to do it.


As much as I want to say there really is no God, I struggle with it because there are aspects that I can’t dispute that are a part of the whole God and Heaven and Hell theory.  Angels and Demons.  I have personally seen both Angels and Demons with my own eyes.  And to see them puts some credence behind there being a Heaven and Hell.  Which means there must be a God and Satan.  So I guess I am saying I do still believe they exist they just don’t care about us or our needs.

So again if he does exist, then why is he not answering prayers?  He’s not testing us.  That crap can go out the window because a test means your working towards a goal if you pass.  You will be rewarded for passing.  There is no reward for struggling.  Maybe because he really doesn’t do that.  Maybe that’s not in his job description.  Maybe that’s something we have made up to make him out as a loving God to make it easier to worship him.  When in reality, all he does is sit and watch us play out our lives and revel in the false beliefs of what we think he is.

Just last year, now even my wife doesn’t know this, I have not told anyone until now, I actually thought I could sell my soul to the highest bidder.  I don’t remember what was happening but I know we needed some help and bad, pretty sure it had to do with finances, it always does.  Anyway I told both God and Satan, if either of you are real, prove it.  I have this problem and it is out of my hands.  There is nothing I can do.  I need divine intervention.  So prove to me you exist.  I asked God first, I told him, I need help I need help now.  If I don’t have help in two days I will know you either don’t exist or don’t care but I will give the same chance for Satan.  If you do help, I will know and I will start reading your word again.  No help came.  So I said to Satan the same thing.  I need help and I need help now, you have two days, if you help me my soul is yours if not then I know you either don’t exist or don’t care either.  No help came.

Eventually, after several weeks I was in a position to fix it myself but by then the damage was done and I had to work to fix that as well.  So I said to Hell with them both and I don’t need them.  I have since gone so far as to tell my family to stop saying “Bless You” when I sneeze.  Trivial I know but I truly don’t believe it does a damn thing and I was dead serious I don’t want to be blessed when I sneeze.  I’m not being blessed and those words mean nothing to me.  It’s like saying sorry to my wife.  She would prefer actions not “I’m sorry”.

I bring all this up because I just had another instance with money I needed his help with to avoid late fees, stress and worry for myself and my spouse and I broke down and prayed for help and my prayers went unanswered yet again.  So, you see history has shown me that he doesn’t care, he doesn’t listen to prayers.  He sits on his throne he made for his ego-maniacal self looking down on us as if we are his playthings.  Something to be discarded when he tires of us and moves on to his next toy.

A Late New Years Resolutions


Shut Up! I know it’s March.  I’m not stupid.  Don’t forget I haven’t been on here in over a year so I need to catch everyone up on my New Years Resolutions.  Don’t try some of these at home people, I wouldn’t want you to throw out your back or get in trouble with your significant other.  I figured I would go over my list from last year and see what I completed and didn’t complete and create a new list for this year, obviously moving over what I didn’t complete to try and complete in the new year.

First up are my resolutions I completed for 2014

2014’s Resolutions Completed

  • I’m making more this year as a Federal Worker then I was last year.
  • My wife got a new car.
  • I got a new car.
  • I got the Star Wars Special Edition box Set on Blu-Ray.
  • Pay off debt: This one will be on both because I have paid off about ¼ of our debt but we still have a lot to go.
  • I finally brought my wife out of retirement and got her to play Monopoly again by buying the Nightmare Before Christmas Monopoly.  Yes I’m an Evil Genius.
  • I was able to surprise my wife with a new wedding set for her and me.
  • I do believe I did read double the amount of books that I read the prior year.

Now for 2015’s Resolutions.  Again those I didn’t complete for 2014 have been moved over to 2015 with some additions.

  • Save up enough money to go to Florida to see my granddaughter after she is born in July
  • Loose weight and get back into shape; I have actually been actively working at this so this should be on the completed list next year.
  • Be comfortable enough with my weight to get in a swimming pool this summer.
  • Go hiking more this summer.
  • Go on more picnics this summer.
  • Go camping this summer.
  • Get a savings I don’t have to continually empty every month.
  • Move out of the apartments and into a house in a nice neighborhood.
  • Have a 3-some with my wife and Charlize Theron.
  • Finish my book and be a successful published writer, I have really been procrastinating on this one. I am up to Chapter 7 though.
  • Finish paying off all our debt. Again I have paid off about ¼ of our debt but we still have a lot to go.
  • Get a new tattoo.
  • Take a vacation to New York.
  • Go to a Steeler’s game.
  • Become a regular cast member on The Walking Dead.
  • Have a 3-some with my wife and a woman that we would actually have a real chance with and not some fantasy actress.
  • Ban condoms for the safer approach; The Pull-Out Method; you won’t believe how hard this one has been!
  • Work on a quieter household with fewer arguments with the kids and my wife; I have reduced them with the wife but man it’s been difficult with the step-kids.
  • Solve world thirst.
  • Cure back hair growth.
  • Take a ride on the new commercial ship to space.
  • Meet an alien from Outer Space; I have met a few aliens outside the 7-11 by my house but they aren’t from Outer Space.
  • Try every shot that doesn’t contain Tequila in my Big Bad-Ass Book of Shots (I started but still a long way off from finishing); I’ve done a third of the book so far.
  • Be on the cover of The Rolling Stone.
  • Survive the coming zombie apocalypse.
  • Meet my goal to read 30 books this year.
  • Buy a new suit in a smaller size for work due to me losing weight.

So that’s it for this year.  Hopefully I’ll actually be able to check off all of them this time.