Events lately have had me debating God’s existence. Either he doesn’t exist or he does and just doesn’t care about us or more specifically me and my family and just sits up in Heaven like some Pius King, laughing and drinking, and rolling his holy dice to see what happens with our lives next.
I write this blog not to start any religious debates so please don’t start any. If your a religious person and truly believe in him and how he answers prayers I would suggest you don’t read any further and just click off this post. Now, to give you a little background I went to church my entire life. From the day I was born till I was 34, the day I asked for a divorce from my first wife I went with maybe a brief interruption of 3 or for 4 year from 16 to 20 yrs old. One thing I realized at the time was I never went because I wanted to go. I went because someone else made me go. Growing up it was my parents, then after marriage it became my ex-wife. Religion was one of a big list of things on my list as to why I wanted a divorce. It wasn’t at the top but it was in the top 5. When I stopped going, I still believed in God and in the bible. What I didn’t believe in was organized religion.
Since however, I got fucked in my divorce, something I did not deserve, but Virginia believes because your a man your automatically a dead beat even though I was the one requesting the divorce for reasons I won’t state here. I dated a whore who robbed me blind of the rest of my money. Then after getting re-married we have done nothing but struggle just to survive and we have been married 6 years this May. Are things better? Sure. I have slowly been paying off debts but there is always something that happens that prevents us from getting ahead.
Anyway, through out this time there have been many occasions I have found myself praying to this invisible God that everyone loves so much, and that I have believed in for so many years, asking for help. Now this isn’t for things like a new x-box game or something like that, this is for money to buy food, pay rent, buy a new car because the old one died or was totaled in an accident. I can count on one hand the amount of times I thought and believed he actually heard my prayers. Sad thing is the amount of times he hasn’t is so many, I can’t count them all, there are just too many times, those prayers went unanswered.
I went my entire life being told “All you have to do is ask God for help and he will answer your prayers.” Really? So where is he when I need him the most? Where was he when I had no money to buy groceries and we had to go to food banks and get moldy food to eat? Where was he when rent was late because my pay got screwed up and now we have a late fee that has to be paid instead of putting that money towards debt? Where is he while we are trying to pay for dentistry for our children that insurance doesn’t cover? People like to say he doesn’t give us more than we can handle. If that were so why have I considered ending my life in the past? Why does it go through my head even still that everyone would be better off if I weren’t alive? I’d say I had more than I could handle. The only thing that stops me is being too chicken to do it.
As much as I want to say there really is no God, I struggle with it because there are aspects that I can’t dispute that are a part of the whole God and Heaven and Hell theory. Angels and Demons. I have personally seen both Angels and Demons with my own eyes. And to see them puts some credence behind there being a Heaven and Hell. Which means there must be a God and Satan. So I guess I am saying I do still believe they exist they just don’t care about us or our needs.
So again if he does exist, then why is he not answering prayers? He’s not testing us. That crap can go out the window because a test means your working towards a goal if you pass. You will be rewarded for passing. There is no reward for struggling. Maybe because he really doesn’t do that. Maybe that’s not in his job description. Maybe that’s something we have made up to make him out as a loving God to make it easier to worship him. When in reality, all he does is sit and watch us play out our lives and revel in the false beliefs of what we think he is.
Just last year, now even my wife doesn’t know this, I have not told anyone until now, I actually thought I could sell my soul to the highest bidder. I don’t remember what was happening but I know we needed some help and bad, pretty sure it had to do with finances, it always does. Anyway I told both God and Satan, if either of you are real, prove it. I have this problem and it is out of my hands. There is nothing I can do. I need divine intervention. So prove to me you exist. I asked God first, I told him, I need help I need help now. If I don’t have help in two days I will know you either don’t exist or don’t care but I will give the same chance for Satan. If you do help, I will know and I will start reading your word again. No help came. So I said to Satan the same thing. I need help and I need help now, you have two days, if you help me my soul is yours if not then I know you either don’t exist or don’t care either. No help came.
Eventually, after several weeks I was in a position to fix it myself but by then the damage was done and I had to work to fix that as well. So I said to Hell with them both and I don’t need them. I have since gone so far as to tell my family to stop saying “Bless You” when I sneeze. Trivial I know but I truly don’t believe it does a damn thing and I was dead serious I don’t want to be blessed when I sneeze. I’m not being blessed and those words mean nothing to me. It’s like saying sorry to my wife. She would prefer actions not “I’m sorry”.
I bring all this up because I just had another instance with money I needed his help with to avoid late fees, stress and worry for myself and my spouse and I broke down and prayed for help and my prayers went unanswered yet again. So, you see history has shown me that he doesn’t care, he doesn’t listen to prayers. He sits on his throne he made for his ego-maniacal self looking down on us as if we are his playthings. Something to be discarded when he tires of us and moves on to his next toy.