Stalker Fest 2009 (Photo credit: Sergey Galyonkin)
Being a celebrity is great at times. The fame, the fortune, the drugs, the alcohol, the women, the fans, the fan mail with women’s panties in them, etc etc. But there are times that it can be hazardous too. Of course I’m no celebrity in real life, I just like to act like I am but if I were and I did get fan mail, below is how I think the fan mail would probably read.
My Dearest Robert,
I have been watching a fan of yours since the very beginning. Your words seep deep down into my soul, they set my heart on fire. When I read your poems, I get so wet and horny. I normally end up masturbating right then every time. When I’m at work I can’t help but take care of myself while sitting at my desk just thinking of you and me together. When I read your stories, I can see myself actually there as one of the characters, and it makes it so much more exciting.
I own everything you have written, even your unpublished scribblings that you threw away in the trash. I always make it a point to check your trash after you take it out just to see if there is some new ideas you are working on, some draft of something that didn’t make the cut. I know one day these drafts will be worth millions but not near what having you locked away next to me in our bedroom is worth. To show you just what you do to me I have enclosed a pair of my panties. I wore them all day and masturbated 3 times while wearing them. You can still smell me on them. I hope you enjoy them as much as I enjoy your underwear I got out of your dirty clothes basket the other day when you were at work. BTW you really have a nice place. Your wife is beautiful. I think the 3 of us could have an awesome time together.
I simply must have you. I know your already married but there is no reason why we all can’t live together. I desperately need to be with you. To feel you, smell you, taste you. You will love me! Just give it time. We should meet, maybe this weekend at your place for drinks and dinner. We can talk about me moving in with you and your wife. I don’t mind sharing. As you can see there is a lot about me you will find you like. As I said you will learn to love me. You have to love me. You can’t turn me down. If I can’t have you, no one will be able to have you. So, please don’t make me take away your beautiful words from this world. The people need to read what you have to say.
With all my love,
Callista
I’m surprised you’re not a real celebrity
LOL, I wish.
You are a celebrity.. in your own world… weirdo..
Wait your in my world. Did you write that letter?
yes I did.. and when your not home.. I wear your underwear.. In fact.. I have a pair on now.. and not just one’s out of the dresser.. no.. the dirty one’s…
You are such a freak.
you know it
Does the word “overshare” mean anything to you two lovebirds?????
Overshare? What is that? Hahahaha
Man, you guys are fucking hornballs! How many kids you got, like 30?
LMFAO. I have 3 from a previous marriage, her 2 from a previous marriage. None together. We have both been fixed to prevent any further outbreak of children. LOL
Now, you both are “built for sport”. I love being “built for sport”. . .it’s quite freeing. How unfortunate that I rarely get to take advantage of it! hahaha
LOL, yes it is rather freeing.
Somehow, a terribly whore-ish voice was narrating this letter in my head the entire time. Ah your wife is very lucky.
LMAO….I didn’t even think of how people would hear it in their head. I like that.
hmm I had visions of fluffy bunny and a pot of water…
LMFAO…..oh lord I hope not her.
go on…you know you want to…
Oh no, she was scary crazy.
*nods*
A very imaginative mind,perhaps you can expand this and make it into a novel, and if someone from Hollywood reads it, he/she may use the contents to make a movie !
Thank you. You know that is an idea.
Haha fan mail… that’d be interesting indeed!
LOL, just wait. There may be more. No one ever gets one piece of fan mail when their famous. LOL
I will wait for sure xD
LOL, now if only I really were famous.
Aww but I don’t think that being famous deserves more worth than having a loving yet little community of friends as the blogosphere.
Well that is true and I love my community of friends on the blogosphere. I would trade them for anything but with being famous comes being rich, and right now with being out of a job after next Friday I need money. So SHOW ME THE MONEY!
Oh I see! I’m sure you’ll find a way. And there’s no need to be famous for that completely. Just keep searching for a job, then when you find one, keep working
It is only with efforts and perseverance that money will come! Good luck and wish you all the best for this new year!
Ooops that should have said I WOULDN’T trade. My bad. I’ve been looking for a year. Unfortunately my contract ran out before I could find something. Hopefully the next job won’t be a contract job because I don’t want to go through this again. I wish you all the best this new year as well.
Hopefully 2013 will bring more job opportunities along your way
Have a nice day!
xoxo
This is the single most hilarious post I’ve read all week. Someone should copy/paste your letter and send it to you as a joke. As always, we get a kick out of your blog here at AMDS. You make the whole office laugh. Keep it up.
-April w/AMDS
Thank you. Glad I could make you laugh. I do try.
April where are you? I’ve missed you all week. COME BACK!!!!!!
-April w/AMDS
serioulsy?!—this would be a stalker not a fan….kinda scary if it were to be real…..
LOL, yea I know. Oh there will be more. After I wrote it I thought I would be fun to make it into a little on going series.
that will certainly be interesting…but remember those movies where a writer would write something and then it came true in his life…………
LOL yea I remember. Though I don’t think I’m so famous enough for that…yet.
careful, careful..be careful what you wish for.. lol ^^
LOL