My Pre-Zombie Apocalypse Bucket List

My next celebrity guest blogger is Adam S, his site My Right To Bitch is truly awesome and I highly recommend you check it out.  Adam was one of my first followers of my zombie journals and gave me the motivation to self publish them.  So without further ado.

Zombie Apocalypse Bucket list

Thanks to Radar, I’ve been sort of caught up lately in the thought of this whole Zombie Apocalypse idea.  His writings on the topic were entertaining at first, but then I started to notice how prevalent the fear had become among so many others.  Maybe it’s not so far-fetched after all?

What if it really does happen?  What if Zombie’s really are gonna invade the streets and eat us all alive?  It was that anxiety-riddled thought that inspired me to hastily compile a bucket-list.

Instead of including the typical cliché things like *Skydive* and *Climb Mount Kilimanjaro*, I opted for items of the much more practical variety.  I’m shooting for achievable here.  If this whole mess takes place, we’ve got limited time, and I’ve got at least five loose ends I need to tie together before my face gets eaten off by a rotting corpse.

Thanks for the reminder, Mr. Nelson.  I got your back.  And a loaded sawed-off shotgun, too…

Here’s the Plan:

Tell My Neighbor to Get Bent

I’m convinced that my Dickhead neighbor has a *work allergy*, because he doesn’t seem to do a whole lot of it.  Despite his implied lack of cash-flow, he’s seems to be able to comfortably afford a lot of home-services and obnoxious motor-powered toys.  He’s the only person I know that doesn’t have a job, but still manages to afford a lawn service, a boat, and a corvette.  He’s also a big fan of his leaf blower too, which he likes to use at 8 AM on my days off.  Fuck him.  I hope he’s the first one to get mauled during the zombie invasion.  More importantly though, I hope I’m still alive to witness it…

Take Culinary Lessons

Oatmeal Fire

Would anyone like a bowl of oatmeal? Oh, nevermind, the kitchen’s on fire.

I need to learn how to cook something other than Hot Pockets and Scrambled Eggs.  Because of my limited personal menu options, I foresee culinary lessons in the not too distant future.  Kitchens scare me.  I always manage to destroy anything that I put my hands on, and have come close to burning my house down on multiple occasions.  Grease fires are a weekly occurrence.  By the way, in case you’re not aware already, oil and water don’t mix.  The old adage is no bull.  Grease fires love water.  Use baking powder to extinguish the bonfire.  The fire department captain informed me of this after his most recent visit.  Doh.

Marry Jessica Biel

Shut up.  This is my bucket list, not yours.  I think it’s doable?

Mail Nancy Grace a Jar with a Fart in it

Merry Christmas Nancy. It's so much more than just a jar...

Merry Christmas Nancy. It’s so much more than just a jar…

I cannot stand this pudgy lump of news-barf.  What a waste of airtime.  I wish her and her blonde weave would get yanked by the network already.  Just looking at her makes my skin crawl.  Everything seems to be worthy of a *Breaking News* banner.  She’s another example of sensationalizing in the media.  Anything to make a buck.  I’m sending you an early Christmas present this year you sloppy bag – a mason jar with a surprise inside.  Dig it Nancy!

Join Anger Management Help Group

This one might be a bit counterintuitive.  I may have to rethink my priorities here, because if I’m gonna survive the Zombie onslaught, I’m definitely gonna need an edge.  However, I think it’s about time I lighten up a bit, at least for the next couple of weeks.  It’s the Christmas season after all, isn’t it?  A time for caring, sharing, and shopping…Shit.  That reminds me.  I haven’t even started my shopping yet.  Blood pressure is steadily rising.  The mass of Christmas Consumer Whore Humanity awaits me…I knew this was a bad idea.

I’m gonna go pick a fight at the mall over a parking spot now…wish me luck.  I’ll think more about the Anger Management Help Group…when I’m sitting in my jail cell.  Argh.

Brace yourself folks.  The Zombie’s are coming.  Until then…

-Happy Blogging \M/ 

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17 thoughts on “My Pre-Zombie Apocalypse Bucket List

  1. Pingback: Champagne, Warm Lube, and a Blorgy the Size of Times Square « MY RIGHT TO BITCH

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