A Spider Named Mr Anderson

First, just to give you a pretext, all the photos in this blog will be of wolf spiders and as you read on you will come to understand why.  Personally, I have never been one to be afraid of spiders.  I always thought they were cool, especially the tarantula’s.  And if you look at my earlier blog on the Top 10 New Species you will see a new blue tarantula that has been discovered.  I have always wanted one of these as a pet but never had the opportunity.  Anyway, I also happen to be the one who always has to get rid of any spider in the house/apartment because everyone else to include a certain 15 yr old male (I’ll never understand that fear) are terrified of them.  I also seem to be the bug killer or if the bug is dead bug clean upper cause, why no one else can get rid of a dead bug I don’t know.

Anyway spiders always facinated me.  Black Widows, Tarantulas, Trap Door Spiders, Brown Recluse, common house spider, and so on.  Have you ever seen a large spider web in the woods, maybe with dew on on it glistening in a few rays of sun?  It really is a facinating thing.  Of course if you accidently walk through a spider web you turn into a ninja and start desperately grasping at your face to get it off and hope the spider didn’t get on you.  BTW, yes I have been bitten by spiders, I had 4 bites on my leg and yet I lived.

Let me tell you a story with a not so happy ending about a spider I like to call Mr. Anderson.  One day in the summer of 2008 I do believe it was, I was walking through my one bedroom apartment here in Virginia talking on the phone to my now wife, who lived in Texas at the time.  To set it up there was a short tiny hallway from the dining room to the bedroom and in between on the left was the linen closet and on the right was the bathroom.  I walk into the bathroom still talking on the phone.  When I leave the bathroom to go to the dining room I see something out of the corner of my eye.  I look up and above the linen closet on the wall is this huge spider.  No kidding it is the size of my palm.  Now I don’t mind spiders, and I don’t mind big spiders but not in my apartment unless they are behind glass.

All I could say was “Fuck” over and over.  My now wife is on the other end freaking out asking what is going on but I am so shocked by this huge spider I can’t respond with anything other than “Fuck”.  So I squeeze along the far wall and make my way to the bedroom and find my combat boot.  All the while I finally start explaining to my now wife what was going on.  I’m about 10 feet from it and I throw my combat boot at the spider…..direct hit!  Now here is why he is named Mr. Anderson.  Apparently all I did was piss him off and it was at that moment my eyes were opened and I realized the world I thought was real was not and I was really in the Matrix.  This spider proceeds to jump from the top of the wall where it was straight towards me.  Now it’s not a quick jump.  It’s a Matrix jump, EXTREMELY slow motion.  As he is flying through the air I see him expand all his legs out as wide as he can as if preparing to land on me and at the same time arching his back as if readying to come down and bite as soon as he landed.

It’s at this moment, my verbal skills and vocabulary become extremely limited again and all I could say over and over was “Mother Fucker” I swear I said it like 4 times before this spider hit the floor.  As he is flying through the air Matrix style I back up quickly, swearing, and grab my hammer and prepare for the asskicking battle of my life.  I saw the Matrix movies and knew this was not going to be easy.  This spider hits the floor running, literally, straight at me.  It was a like a small dog and if you read my previous post about small dogs you know I hate them.  I proceed to take my hammer and hit the spider, cursing one repeated word with every hit, “Mother Fucker”.  I hit it, he gets up and starts at me again, I hit it again, swearing, he gets up coming at me again, I think it took about 5 times hitting it with my hammer and swearing to finally kill this spider and even then there were no guts.  Nothing opened.  I think it was all internal bleeding that did him in cause his exterier was never cracked.

So having won the finale battle I scooped him into a jar and sat down at the computer and did some searching and found out this spider, the size of the palm of my hand, was in fact a wolf spider.  To this day I will not forget my finale battle with Mr. Anderson AKA Neo.  Has it changed my view of spiders?  Absolutely not but it did reaffirm why they belong outside the house and not inside the house unless behind glass.

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17 thoughts on “A Spider Named Mr Anderson

  1. Shannygirl

    First.. there are several grammatical error’s, and spelling error’s. Second.. why are you so non-chalant about spiders (even after being biten by several) but wasps and bee’s freak you out so much? Your not allergic to them, so you shouldn’t be. As for the “Opportunity”, as long as you live with me.. sorry you will not have that opportunity. I can’t stand big spiders. They creep me out, always have, always will. Now onto the 15 yr old male… he’s not the brave and valiant kind, ok.. but he has killed a roach for me before so there is some hope. BTW.. I killed a fucking roach this morning thank you very much! and I killed several in the kitchen! So you are not the sole bug killer. Would I rather you kill them then me? Heck ya.. your the man… your suppose to be the protector so protect me from the things I fear the most and quit complaining about it.. (Oh, and you killed it with a hammer, not your other book.. yes you put book)

    Reply
  2. radaronelson Post author

    First I was correcting those errors apparently as you were commenting if you refresh you will see them fixed. I alway post then review and fix as I review it. I am non-chalant about them because they are just plain cool looking. They don’t look like demons like wasps and bees do.

    Reply
      1. radaronelson Post author

        Do you have any comments about the story it’s self minus the errors that I have fixed? You were on the other end of that phone call when this happened.

        Reply
        1. Shannygirl

          I don’t understand your facination with spiders.. but that’s your thing. As for the story.. I was on the phone with you and once you told me what was going on I couldn’t stop laughing at you. I can still picture you throwing your boot then being chased by it..lol

          Reply
            1. radaronelson Post author

              There were no guts because we were in the Matrix and everything was just one big comuter simulation. I’m sure outside the Matrix where his real body was there were guts everywhere.

              Reply
  3. wickedasilem

    Another Spider Story from the Infested Schow house…. I was minding my own business one morning, making my coffee… my Yummy Coffee… I use all natural not processed sugar from the nutrition store (I DID use it) … added everything, stired it up, walked into my living room, sat the coffee down next to the computer, turned on the tv, picked up my cup of coffee, raised it to my lips, caught a glimps of something NOT RIGHT, looked down…. and there, in my cup, was a Spider, legs stretched out, so he was the entire Diameter of the cup… and Dead. I FREAKED! All I kept picturing in my mind was taking a sip of that coffee and his legs touching my lips…. I’m STILL freaked out about it, and I no longer use anything other then Processed shit! :)

    Reply
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  6. Kitt Crescendo

    If I didn’t think my best friend would pass out cold even just reading the story and seeing the pictures I’d send it to her. She is majorly scared of spiders. She was dog sitting at my house one day when a giant wolf spider had made it’s way to the walk up of my house. When her hubby mentioned it, she climbed up on a chair inside my house, holding my dog and refused to let her husband go out and kill it. When he finally managed to break away from her to take care of the spider outside (because that’s where the spider was) ..she was crying hysterically and “protecting” my dog…still on the chair. Needless to say, he came back alive and they headed home…(and the spider escaped because it took him so long to get out there).

    Reply
      1. Kitt Crescendo

        You have NO idea! On April Fools day one year, hubby came into my work parking lot and stuck a giant (lifelike looking) spider on the edge of her windshield. She screamed so loud half the store came running…then laughed their asses off at her. Thankfully, she’s also a good sport.

        Reply

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